Not a Real Post

May 27, 2007

I AM bold, spontaneous, confident, whiny, a big baby, loving, funny.

I WANT to get a job that makes me happy and pays me well.

I WISH we had money to leave for a trip around the world tomorrow.

I MISS my brother like crazy.

I HEAR what people don’t say.

I WONDER if I am attractive.

I REGRET the crappy cake on my wedding day.

I AM NOT a morning person.

I DANCE daily, nightly and every so rightly, all the time, for exercise, because I like the music that’s playing, because I’m happy, because I’m listening to the rhythm in my own head, I dance constantly and consistently bad.

I AM NOT ALWAYS a little ray of sunshine.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS food to feed the stomach and the soul of my husband and myself.

I WRITE  in this blog, I recently remembered how much I love it.

I CONFUSE being thin with being happy.

I NEED a winter wardrobe.

I SHOULD go to bed soon, its almost 4am.

I START exercise and diet plans often.

I FINISH stages of my life by packing up a suitcase and moving on.

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Food Junkie

May 25, 2007

Why is food so addictive? And why do some people have normal healthy relationships with food, while others (me) think about eating 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Back in the day when I was overweight, I thought it was a fat person thing. I thought, when I’m skinny, I will be normal. Well, I’m kinda sorta skinny-ish now but I’m still not normal.

Food is constantly on my mind. I have to plan out what I’m going to eat at least a day before because if I don’t I will overeat. I need to know what will be going into my mouth and when or impromptu eating will lead me to take in way more calories than I need to. For example, if S comes home and suggests we go out to eat, and we go to a restaurant, I inevitably pig out. Just a big huge oinkfest. Its something about not having been mentally prepared for the mind over matter battle. If I know we are going to go out to eat at least a day in advance, I start thinking about what I am going to order. I gear myself up to resist temptation, or I don’t eat anything else all day long so I can indulge.

That’s why I do fine on normal structured days. I am great at following a diet or good eating habits as long as there are no surprises. But, lo and behold, the second my mother in law comes a knockin’ with leftover cake, I ruin everything!

I just can’t find a happy medium.

That frustrates me because I really want to lose these last 8 measly pounds so I can say I’ve lost 50lbs since high school. I would also love to be happy with my body, but how many women really, truly are? I’ve pretty much given up self acceptance as a goal because if it didn’t happen when I was running 10 miles a day and had abs to die for, its not going to happen now that all my muscles have atrophied from lack of use and I’ve turned into a blob, not unlike Santa and his belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. And of course, I look back and think, “Wow, I was HOT!” Someday I will look back at pictures from the here and now and think the same thing. But right this instance, am I capable of liking how I look or feeling good about myself? Of course not. For most women, the world just doesn’t work that way. And if you are someone who can happily accept her shape, size and jiggle quota, consider yourself damn lucky!

I’m so happy that I have been able to lose most of my excess weight and that I have learned how to live a healthier lifestyle. I just wish it wasn’t so mentally exhausting.

Sorry for the boring entry about food and diet and fat, etc. But, its my blog and I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want, cry if I want to :)

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Too Much

May 24, 2007

Too much of nothing is just as tough
I need to know the way to feel to keep me satisfied

*Spice Girls

Yes, I know, I just quoted a Spice Girls song. The worst part is that I knew the lyrics by heart, I didn’t even have to look them up. But, c’mon! Who didn’t love themselves a little Spice Girls magic back in their glory days? Don’t deny it :) Anyways, the quote is relevant for two reasons. 1. It perfectly describes how I’m feeling. 2. I hear the Spice Girls are planning a comeback.

My husband, S and I, have been struggling to find a balance. This has been a continuous problem in our relationship and marriage since day one. He is obsessed with online gaming. I think he has a real problem. Of course, he denies it. I get really upset and frustrated because I just want to spend quality time with him and all he wants to do is play his game. If I tell him he’s playing too much he gets so defensive and goes off on me, naming off a list of all the “quality time” he can think of that we’ve spent together in the last week. This really annoys me, mostly because even when we do spend time together, out of the time that he is home from work I get an hour with him and his game gets seven hours.

My problem is that I don’t know when I’m asking too much of him, and what’s fair. Sometimes I think I’m really justified. I think he shouldn’t be playing 8 hours a day even if he weren’t married to me. But other times I wonder if its just asking him to give up gaming. This is because he works and I don’t, so I feel like my vote doesn’t carry equal weight in the relationship. He says, when he comes home, he’s too tired to do anything else. I understand being that tired, I’ve worked more than my fair share of 14 hour days on my feet in this lifetime. But why is it that he has enough energy to sit down at the computer and play and never fall asleep but if I suggest that we play cards or that he just come sit in the kitchen with me while I cook, he’s too tired? That just does wonders for my self-esteem. I’m too boring to keep him awake!

I’m all down in the dumps today. Whine, whine, whine. No, I don’t want any cheese with my damn whine. I hate cheese.

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