Kyle Hepp

May 25, 2007

Why is food so addictive? And why do some people have normal healthy relationships with food, while others (me) think about eating 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Back in the day when I was overweight, I thought it was a fat person thing. I thought, when I’m skinny, I will be normal. Well, I’m kinda sorta skinny-ish now but I’m still not normal.

Food is constantly on my mind. I have to plan out what I’m going to eat at least a day before because if I don’t I will overeat. I need to know what will be going into my mouth and when or impromptu eating will lead me to take in way more calories than I need to. For example, if S comes home and suggests we go out to eat, and we go to a restaurant, I inevitably pig out. Just a big huge oinkfest. Its something about not having been mentally prepared for the mind over matter battle. If I know we are going to go out to eat at least a day in advance, I start thinking about what I am going to order. I gear myself up to resist temptation, or I don’t eat anything else all day long so I can indulge.

That’s why I do fine on normal structured days. I am great at following a diet or good eating habits as long as there are no surprises. But, lo and behold, the second my mother in law comes a knockin’ with leftover cake, I ruin everything!

I just can’t find a happy medium.

That frustrates me because I really want to lose these last 8 measly pounds so I can say I’ve lost 50lbs since high school. I would also love to be happy with my body, but how many women really, truly are? I’ve pretty much given up self acceptance as a goal because if it didn’t happen when I was running 10 miles a day and had abs to die for, its not going to happen now that all my muscles have atrophied from lack of use and I’ve turned into a blob, not unlike Santa and his belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. And of course, I look back and think, “Wow, I was HOT!” Someday I will look back at pictures from the here and now and think the same thing. But right this instance, am I capable of liking how I look or feeling good about myself? Of course not. For most women, the world just doesn’t work that way. And if you are someone who can happily accept her shape, size and jiggle quota, consider yourself damn lucky!

I’m so happy that I have been able to lose most of my excess weight and that I have learned how to live a healthier lifestyle. I just wish it wasn’t so mentally exhausting.

Sorry for the boring entry about food and diet and fat, etc. But, its my blog and I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want, cry if I want to