Kyle Hepp

July 30, 2007

I had a total and complete breakdown today, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears style…without the drugs, booze and sex of course.

So many things have been weighing on me lately, I’m practically a crying, sobbing, screaming mess. I just look at our finances and feel like we will never get out of the situation we’re in. We’re STILL paying off our wedding, six months down the road. And we even did it cheap, our wedding was under $4,000 bucks. Every month we dutifully pay off the credit cards, and then every month we charge them back up. We break even and then go in the red again. It’s a vicious cycle and it must be said. Our spending is out of control. I mean, we’re not off taking trips to Rome and Paris (I wish). I never spend more than $20 on shoes or anything crazy like that. But, its like the $100 bucks extra I spent at the grocery store the other day, that just wasn’t in the budget. Then there was a speeding ticket we had to pay, and Seba needed a new winter jacket…and VOILA! Our credit card is no longer empty.

Sorry for the whining entry. I’m just cranky…and you have to cut me some slack. I mean c’mon…I’m on a budget and a diet. Not fun!

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July 29, 2007

After my last Very. Angry. Entry. I know bring you back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

First, I’ll give you all a little background information. My husband is a civil engineer and his current job title is Construction Project Engineer. Oh yeah, he’s a big deal. One of us has to make something of ourselves and my opportunities in this country are limited. That’s why I’m a professional blogger (no, really, two weeks ago I was offered a job as a contributing writer over at I’m Not Obsessed, I took it and it’s fun!) who doesn’t leave the house. Ever. So S. works for the company that is part of a department store duopoly here in Chile. They decided they wanted to expand their evil empire into supermarkets and hired him to oversee the construction of these new grocery stores.

ANYWAYS.

Up until last week he spent almost 100% of his time at the store they are building in a very high class number. They say this grocery store will be the company’s crowning jewel. The aisles are big enough to fit five rich mommies across even with their double wides (strollers). The lighting isn’t harsh and fluorescent, it’s flattering. The customer service will be unbeatable in Chile (which means that you might be allowed to make returns and they won’t laugh in your face if you want to make a suggestion or a complaint). Instead of sending all the pretty ones for export, they’re going to keep the good Chilean fruits and veggies and sell them to Chilean people, imagine that. And to think that in the US you’ve been receiving all the premium Chilean produce, the cream of the crop, and you’re not even grateful are you? Shame on you!

This “jewel” of a supermarket was set to have it’s grand opening on Friday. But, special people (ME! ME! ME!) were invited in on Thursday afternoon for a pre-opening. That’s right, all the higher-ups’ wives were invited to do their grocery shopping before the store began to allow the pesky general public in, and my hubby bribed somebody to let me in too. We later found out I would’ve been let in even if my name wasn’t on the cool kid’s list…aside from Stepford wives, they were letting in foreigners (from 1st world countries only, thank you very much) and anyone who was staying at the Marriot hotel, which is VERY exclusive here in Santiago, and conveniently located next door to the “jewel.”

So I arrived at this special event and let me just say that I am so relieved I at least had the good sense to put on a clean pair of jeans brush my hair because I knew I’d be meeting S’s boss. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many attractive Chileans all in one place, and by attractive I mean rich, well-groomed, women with highlights and manicures (huge luxuries in a developing country), high heeled, gym going, no rollo de pan (Chilean speak for no love handles), designer label wearing, skinny bitches!

I felt so out of place! But I did my best to put on a smile, shake my butt when I walked, and fill my cart with things we didn’t need and can’t afford so I could blend in.

There were some amazing food stuffs at this grocery store, though. Items I had previously only seen in the US- dark chocolate Betty Crocker frosting (into the cart you go), Heinz Ketchup in a bottle, not a bag as is custom here (had to buy it for patriotic nostalgia’s sake), cous-cous (fun to say, fun to eat!), packets of hot chocolate (I swear, I didn’t even have to tough the box, it flew off the shelf and into my cart like a moth to a flame). Basically, anything I saw that made me say, “Ooooooh, I didn’t know you could get this in Chile,” came home with me.

I spent $100 dollars on “weas.” There really is no translation for this genius Chilean slang word. It’s sort of like our fuck. You can manipulate it to mean whatever you want it to mean. In this case we’ll translate weas to mean crap I should not have bought.

The whole shopping experience was really fun, I like to people watch and it was fun being in a different environment. While it was a brutal reminder of the tremendous income gap in Chile, it was also a reminder that for as much as I complain about being poor, comparatively, we really don’t have it too bad. That’s always a good thing to remember.

Oh yeah…I almost forgot to mention how proud I was of my hubby too! Everyone I met kept telling me what a fantastic job he’s done with this supermarket. I almost burst with pride for him. It’s always incredible for me to think that he has sufficient knowledge to build an entire supermarket without it collapsing (we hope). Impressive right?

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Normally I compose my blog entries in my head the night before I write them. Last night I had what I wanted to write all planned out. But, I’ve been on Flickr for the past three hours arguing with some idiot about politics and now I need to vent a little bit, so this may not be the most eloquent piece you’ve ever read

I shouldn’t even pay attention to people like this, but it seriously hurts down to my soul to feel how much people hate the USA. And it kills me when they don’t differentiate between our beautiful country’s citizens and it’s government.

This lovely fellow and I got into a huge discussion when he started comparing all of the US to Nazi’s. He said the world would be a better place if we were all wiped off the face of the planet, he told me that I should leave Chile because nobody wants me here, he even said we should all “SUFFER AND PAY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE,” etc. etc. etc.

I too am against Bush and the atrocities this administration has committed. And I have been from the very get go. I have voted in every election since I’ve been of age, I’ve written letters and emails to my representatives and I’ve even protested against the war (amongst other things I’ve protested against, hahaha). I mentioned that and he didn’t believe me…he still held me PERSONALLY responsible for every action the Bush administration has committed.

Anyways, I don’t care if this one guy wants to have personal beef with me. That’s fine, it’s happened before. I’m a love her or hate her kind of gal, and a few people have been known to fall into the latter category in the course of my 23 some years. Not everybody has to like me and I understand that.

But to feel so much hatred against and entire people just kills me.

The Russian government poisons people and spies. Hugo Chavez is a COMPLETE wack job. Iran wants to nuke the US. In Sudan they are massacring people by the thousands. But I have absolutely nothing against Russians, Venezuelans, Iranians, and Sudanese people. My personal beliefs are that you should only judge the individual person because making assumptions will backfire on you every time.

I hate hate. That’s all.

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July 25, 2007

When you lose weight, the compliments and the numbers on the scale are so addicting. Every pound shed reaffirms your worth. Every compliment convinces you that you are more valuable to society, and to the people around you when you are at a lower weight than when you were at a higher weight. Smaller sized jeans make you giddy with happiness. That high is something you don’t want to lose, you become obsessed, and everything about you becomes defined by TRYING TO BE THIN. If someone loves you, you know its not because of who you are…no of course not, they love you because the number on the scale is saying the right thing.

Then the number starts to go up again…because try as you might, you just CANNOT DO IT. You cannot eat like a normal person. Food controls your every thought, and you want to limit yourself and have self control, and you want to exercise and be healthy and be normal. But a demon takes over and all of a sudden you’re not you. While you’re eating you’re someone else, and then as soon as you snap to it and realize all the crimes against you’re body that you have committed, you hate yourself for it. You LOATHE yourself for it. You feel guilty, you beat yourself up, you promise that tomorrow you will try harder, that you will only eat celery and no carbs. This is going to be the month that you start losing weight again. But when tomorrow comes, you feel so guilty about what happened yesterday, and you feel like its useless, like you already ruined everything by binging yesterday that you go deeper into the depression…and the monster takes over again, and you binge again. Its such a vicious cycle and so hard to break.

But what you don’t realize the entire time that you are yo-yoing up and down the scale, is that most people don’t notice. You don’t realize that the people who love you….they loved you when you were heavier, they loved when you were skinnier…your weight did not affect the way they felt for you! Sometimes its so hard to see beyond the negative.

Think about it this way…when you receive a compliment, how long do you remember it for? A day, maybe a week, if it was truly an exceptional compliment it will stick in your head for a month or two. But a put-down…of course that stays with you forever. That time your grandma told you you shouldn’t smile for pictures because when you do you have a double chin, or that time when you stayed with a friends family and they made you feel ashamed for eating everything on your plate and told you that you shouldn’t be eating so much, you’re already the biggest one out of all your friends, or your cheerleading coach making a huge deal out of the fact that she had to order a bigger skirt for you because you couldn’t fit into any of the “normal” sizes (the special order skirt was only a size 12 for pete’s sake and crying out loud…and I wonder why I developed such crazy issues with my weight). Those memories stick in your mind forever…and in some way, shape or form, carrying those negatives with you, makes you feel like you will forever be the worthless fat girl that those people saw.

Why aren’t we able to purge our mind of the bad and retain only the good? Why is it, that only just now after really sitting and thinking back about that cheerleading coach, after really digging deep in my brain, do I finally remember how my best friend stood up for me? In front of the monster coach putting on a big show about a size 12 skirt, my friend said, “Well, she’s the strongest one on the team, you can’t expect somebody who’s pure muscle to fit into a size 0!” Why didn’t I appreciate my body for the amazing things it could do, instead of berate it for not complying with my coach’s standard of beauty?

That is my wish for myself and anyone else who has ever struggled with similar problems-that we would all be able to let go of the bad rotting inside our heads, making us incapable of accepting ourselves. If we can get beyond the bad, try to retain more of the good, maybe then we will be able to believe that yes, we are worthy of being loved no matter what the number on the scale says, no matter what our outward appearance shows.

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July 20, 2007

Hearts were broken tonight in Chile. And, no, don’t worry. I’m not talking about another act of terrorism. What I speak of is even worse. The Chile U20 soccer team lost to the Argentine U20 soccer team in the semi-finals of the U20 World Cup.

To understand what this defeat means to the people of this country, you have to first understand their relationship with Argentina. Pure competition. The two countries hate each other. Chile thinks that Argentina stole their land (it’s true that they took a huge chunk of it during a war a really long time ago). Both countries claim to own Antartica (as does the US). When you go to Argentina and tell them that you are a foreigner living in Chile the first thing they do is start to ask you questions, “What country is pretty, Argentina or Chile? Do you like Chilean guys or Argentine guys? Whose shit stinks less, ours or theirs.” You get the idea. Futbolistically speaking, Argentina has always been far superior. Maradona, who’s right up there with Pele comes from Argentina, for all you people who are out of the soccer loop.

Now, let me tell you about the present day. There has been talk that the future generations of Chilean futbol (sorry, just can’t bring myself to call it soccer) players coming up the ranks, will form the best Chilean team ever. Well, this was supposed to be the miracle generation. These kids playing in the U20 W.C. made it out of the group stages of play in 1st place. They went on to beat Portugal, a world reknowned futbol playing nation, and Nigeria, a team that on paper was physically superior. The hopes in Chile continued to rise with each passing game that this miracle team one. THIS team was going to be the one. TODAY was going to be the day that the Chilean futbol team FINALLY put those Argentines in their place once and for all. The players were full of boyish confidence, and unlike any other generation before them, they actually believed they could do it.

That’s what made me cry when the final whistle blew. Other teams before them had always accepted that Argentina was better. Asi de simple. But this team dared to dream, as corny as that may sound.

The officials in the game were horrid. The temper tantrums and out of control play from the Chilean side was even worse. After the game 10 Chilean players got arrested for fighting with the cops in Canada (although there has been talk that the cops were abusing the players and Chile is filing a formal complaint with Canadian officials first thing tomorrow).

All in all, what was supposed to be a really beautiful day of hope for the Chilean people, turned into a nightmare.

One thing I think most people from the States will never understand is the amount of pride that goes into a futbol game in a third world country. If you are a developed country, there are so many things that you can be proud of. In the US some people are proud of our economy, for others their sense of pride of country, comes from our military strength. We certainly never lack gold medal winners at the Olympics. Our athletes hold world records, our movie stars are known world wide, our military prowess is feared (or was).

In the history of this country, Chile has won one Olympic gold medal (tennis). ONE! Winning a major sporting event is everything to the people of this country…and seeing as how soccer is almost the only sport that is played here…well, you do the math.

The loss today was devestating.

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