Fotografo de Bodas, Santiago

April 4, 2008

Today S. and I had lunch with my mother in law. She was actually just going to come over to pick up her birthday gift, but I called the night before to confirm what time she was coming and she said, “I’ve been wanting to call you two for the last week, but I haven’t. I’m trying to give you your space.” So I thought she should be rewarded for good behavior and decided to invite her out for lunch.

Anyways, we got to talking about S.’s older sister who is 29 and lives at the parents’ home. She has never lived anywhere else. My mother in law mentioned that soon they’re hoping she’ll “cut the cord.”

I was actually shocked to hear those words come out of her mouth. In Chile it’s pretty common to live with your parents for forever and ever and ever, and never leave. Ok, so that’s a bit of an over exaggeration. But, in all honesty, if a man here mentions that he’s 33 and still shacking up with with mommy, nobody even blinks an eye. Of course, being the macho culture that this is, if it’s a woman at the age who lives at home unmarried, everyone thinks there’s something wrong her. But they think there’s something wrong with her not because she still lives at home, but because she hasn’t convinced a man to marry her yet.

In the U.S. we generally leave the house at age 18, give or take a year or two, and we go live in college dorms. It’s a like a transition to ease us into real life living on our own. Chilean people would have you believe that U.S. parents kick their children (who are just babies and not ready to be on their own, according to them) out of the house so young because we “don’t believe in family,” and we’re a “cold culture.” I’ve actually found the opposite to be true. To me Chilean society has it all backwards. Parents in the U.S. get the kids out of the house so they can prepare themselves to be adults. They want their kids to grow up because they love them and want to see them succeed standing on their own two feet.

Here families are forced to live in such close quarters that a lot of times they end up hating each other. There’s such a sense of obligation here to let your kids stay until they want to leave, to take care of your unmarried sister and your aging mother, and if they live anywhere but under your roof, you’re obviously a cold hearted bitch who doesn’t care about family. They forget about the whole idea that you might actually appreciate a person a lot more if you both have your own space.

Unfortunately, aside from obligation, it’s also a necessity. Part time jobs here don’t pay enough to be able to support yourself and live on your own. Plus part time is like 30 hours a week, and Chilean university is much more vigorous than most U.S. universities. So trying to study and work is pretty much impossible. S.’s friend got the genius idea to try and work part time at Blockbuster for one semester.

That semester he failed every class but one, and he still didn’t have enough money to move out.

And then, the fact that parents expect their kids to live with them until they’re in their late 20′s, early 30′s, means that Chilean young adults, are basically giant babies without diapers. And I totally blame the parents. I have lived now, with four different Chilean families and in each household the mother and father absolutely coddled the children. And I mean, breakfast in bed, no chores for their poor babies who work so hard at studying, oh, and you don’t have any money to go out partying, here I’ll spot you 20, forget the fact that we’re thousands of dollars in debt already.

So as most Chileans tell me…”Why I move out of my house? I have it good!”

I know some kids in the U.S. like that, but they seem to be the exception to the rule, rather than the rule.

Sometimes this makes me feel older than my husband. He’s just always so surprised by the realities of living alone, because up until now his parents took care of everything for him. But, he’s learning, slowly but surely. And besides, who am I to talk? My mom still does my taxes for me!

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10 Comments

Back home, children never overstay their welcome. If a woman is single and stays at home, she’s “helping her parents.” My mother has admitted that if I hadn’t gotten married, she would have lived with me so I could be her companion. I’m so glad things happened the way they did.

Comment by kirida — April 5, 2008 @ 7:01 am

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I am one of those who were living with their parents as long as they were studing, and that was a looong time. I left to travel to Germany, I was 24 years old.
But the doors are always open to come back if I need it.
I think you are kind of right when you say here the parents give everything to their sons and daughters… I dont like that, I never did. I remember I was 12 and hated if someone wanted to sort my things or make my bed. I wanted to do all by myself…
Then I understood that mothers want to do those things as a sign of love, but I still dont like it.
I think is cool that in Usa you have this “transicion” time before you really leave and go living alone. Here is similar (a lot of people must study in another city and live in a “pension”) but somehow they still have it good, they dont really have to take care of everything, its all about university and parties really…
Good topic, and I knew you would finish with a “im not better than you” comment… Dont be scared if you critize something chilean, I mean, if you have good reasons and are respecful is no problem, we all have our own points of views and oppinions. At least, I wouldnt be offended at all.

Comment by Irantzu — April 5, 2008 @ 7:12 am

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Kirida, if I might ask, where exactly is “back home,” for you? I forgot.

Irantzu, leaving for Germany at 24 is fairly young by Chilean standards! Haha, you’re right, I do always tend to finish with an, I’m not better than you comment. It’s always true though. Sometimes my comments are more just observations of how the culture is different. Not necessarily that I don’t like it, just that I don’t like it for me. So I feel like I should make that clear when I write so nobody feels like I’m putting down their way of living…although if I want to REALLY criticize something Chilean, I have a feeling a lot of Chileans would come out of the woodwork on this blog to defend themselves. I can see where people are coming from and I get tons of hits from Chile…and several times I’ve had some of those nice, “if you don’t like it just leave you stupid gringa,” comments.

Comment by Mamacita Chilena — April 5, 2008 @ 7:51 am

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I think learning independence is a good thing. My parents always told us we could come home if we needed to and I think I’m the only one who never did. I just can’t imagine living with my parents again. I’m not knocking people who do, but it’s not for me.

I had a good friend who got married after college. Her husband always had his mom do his taxes. After they got married he expected to keep it that way. I’d feel weird, I think. It’s one thing if your mom is an accountant or a tax professional, but she wasn’t. Besides, I think it’s better to keep my finances private. I don’t know. Maybe that’s weird.

Comment by Ordinary Girl — April 5, 2008 @ 3:27 pm

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Great post, and something I’ve thought a lot about. This is EXACTLY what it’s like in Spanish culture. I’ve heard the arguement of part-time work not being available and the University standards being higher over here, but I’m not sure it explains it all, especially about University standards. Maybe there’s some truth to it, but I think it’s mainly cultural. We are taught from a young age to that pride comes from making our own money (encouraged to find odd jobs, paper routes, babysitting) and that being independent is the only respectable way to be, values that just don’t exist over here.

My brother in law lives at home still and is nearing 30. He even owns his own place that he won’t move in to, he doesn’t see any benefit in moving. His mother explains that he is working a lot so who will make his food for him and do his laundry. I stare wide eyed and repeat, “No entiendo”.

Comment by Bluestreak — April 6, 2008 @ 6:01 am

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Oh, was that a subliminal hint to remind me that I told you I would have your taxes done by the end of this weekend?

Comment by Ritamae — April 6, 2008 @ 8:39 am

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Very interesting post. I know some people here in Canada that have coddled their children into adulthood. One still lives at home and is quite mature and could make it on his own. The other lives in her own apartment in the same complex as mommy & daddy. She still calls them that and still relies on them for financial and emotional support! They are both in their mid-thirty’s.

They are the exception up here though, as in the USA, most kids are gone by 18. In our family, we were told the door was always open, but I don’t think any of us took advantage of it for more than the summers between classes.

Comment by Reb — April 6, 2008 @ 11:10 am

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When I first visited Chile as a young exchange student, the question I got asked most often by the other kids was Is it true that parents in the US give their daughters birth control and kick them out of the house when they turn 18?” I didn’t even know how to respond … especially because I couldn’t wait to got to college and have a chance to be on my own. It was like “No, we really WANT to leave!” But that sounded bad, too.

Also, the mom in my first host family would go on and on about how cold and unfriendly Americans are, and she was probably the coldest, meanest woman I’ve ever met … I wanted to go home after only two weeks. Fortunately a very warm and happy family invited me to come live with them and I started loving Chile.

Comment by Lisa B. — April 7, 2008 @ 4:11 am

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My case may be not very typical. Despite I am a proudly chilean macho, when I was 24 my father fired me from his house telling me: “you are not finished your studies, How long do you expect I will feed you ???” and I said “until I get enough money to buy my own apartment”, so I stayed in his home until 30.

Today I am the owner of a pretty and big apartment today, and I am expecting to buy a new one in ViÃ±a del Mar.

CariÃ±os Carlos

Comment by Anonymous — April 7, 2008 @ 7:57 pm

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Ha ha ha…let me share my sister in law’s story…she’s 38, single and living with her parents, who she doesn’t dare leave because my f.i.l. has Parkinson’s and my m.i.l. works all day long and they have no live-in help. My s.i.l. does own an apartment, though, which was supposed to be her new home but when her parents returned home from a trip, she automatically went back with them so she pays rent and has two bedrooms, two kitchens, etc.
She has had a boyfriend for like 6 years, who to my parents in law is Satan impersonated, just because he is separated, has 4 kids and does not make much money. He has been spied on by my m.i.l. (SHE TOLD ME HERSELF WITH NO SHAME) and she has threatened my sister in law with disownment if she pursues the relationship. Plus she would be out of work because they both work together in my m.i.l.’s real estate company.
My husband prefers to stay out of it because when his sister has left the house, their father falls down the stairs, can go for days eating beans, comes down with colds because of the drafts in the enormous house they inhabit, etc.
So there, a bit of info to share and laugh at (there was a time when I literally threw tantrums at it).
Greetings.

Comment by Florencia — April 11, 2008 @ 12:50 pm

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