Kyle Hepp

March 18, 2009

*Update: Heather wrote about a very similar topic today and related it to cultural behaviors in Chile…really interesting, and worth a read if you have time!

*Update #2: Ok, really…other bloggers are in my head today. Alisa from Happily Ever After wrote a very insightful piece on what it’s like to chase your dreams, even if they are totally unrealistic. I LOVE this quote from her. She says what I wanted to say with this post in a much more eloquent way:

I like to think of myself as one of those horses with blinders. I’m trotting past a sign that says, Alisa are you crazy? Everyone is going to laugh at you! but I don’t see it because of the blinders. I trot past another sign that says, Just face it. You suck. Get over it, and, again, the blinders block it out. Then there’s the sign that says, Your life would be so much easier if you would just accept that this isn’t meant to be. Not looking at that sign, either. Just not.

The whole post is amazing though, I really recommend you check it out.
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After writing my post about running yesterday and tweeting about it, some people were congratulating me for being able to go 12 miles. But see, that’s what I don’t like about the sport in general. You’re never done. If you go 12 miles today, you have to go 13 miles next week. If you train for a half marathon, then you should keep on training and do a full marathon. And if you run a full marathon you might as well just attempt one of those super duper extreme marathon things were you run for like a week without stopping from Argentina through the Andes Mountains and all the way over to Chile.

On my life’s goal list, I have written down, “Visit every continent at least twice.” Yes, the paper version has at least underlined, as if seeing the world one time over isn’t enough for a single human being. I also have written down specifically that I want to be a billionaire, not a millionaire. Because let’s face it — these days anyone can become a millionaire. Lots of people make a million dollars and manage to sock it away. If I had known who Pioneer Woman or Dooce was at the time, or had thought about writing a blog, one of my goals probably would have been: have a bigger blog than them — because having a tiny little blog about Chile isn’t ambitious enough for me.

Ever since I was a little kid I’ve believed I could do anything — literally, anything in the world that I wanted to. And unlike some of my *ahem* evil friends who plan on telling their kids, “No sweetheart, you can’t be an astronaut when you grow up. You probably won’t be a famous NFL player,” I think that’s a good thing.

I believe in myself enough to do something that’s seemingly impossible — run a high end wedding photography business in a developing country with no photography or business training whatsoever. I’m not so full of myself that I think I’m untouchable. If someone leaves a mean comment about a photo I took or gives me really harsh constructive criticism it can knock me down for days. And let’s not even talk about how nervous I feel when I give clients their photos. No matter how proud I am of the work I’ve done I get a little knot in my stomach and a voice in the back of my head, asking “Do you really think they’re going to love these pictures?” I’ll sit at my computer refreshing my inbox over and over again waiting for some kind of feedback — anything that let’s me know they don’t hate my work. And when people look at my stuff while I’m physically there with them…forget it. It’s all I can do not to pull a Papito and projectile vomit everywhere.

No worries though. S. tells me all the time he thinks I’m going to be a famous photographer someday. He’s my daily boost of confidence if I need it. But see, the only problem here is that now I want to be the next Annie Lebowitz rather than be content with just running my own successful business. Because again, anybody can do that!

Its not like I’m the Michael Phelps of anything. I’m never going to wake up one day and have 7 gold medals and go “Yeah. This is enough of an accomplishment for me. I am now officially good enough and can rest on my laurels for the rest of my days. Yay!”

My problem is that my ego is so huge I think I can do anything so my goals in life are absolutely ridiculous. Competition against myself and against everybody and everything is what drives my life and makes me happy.

I’ll never be good enough because let’s be honest…am I ever going to write a NY times best selling book or win a gold medal in marathoning? Probably not, last time I checked I’m not a Kenyan. But I’ll sure as hell die trying, And there’s no shame in that.