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April 23, 2009

Here’s another topic that is bound to come up at one point or another amongst the expat crowd — being homesick.

“I miss my friends.”

“I miss my family.”

“I miss ____ (fill in name of hometown or college city).”

It happens to most, if not all of us at some point or another. The longing to be with people who know us in a place that’s familiar becomes overwhelming.

I don’t get homesick often, but when I do it runs me over harder than a micro barreling down Alameda on a poor kiltro (stray dog) wandering in the middle of the road. Missing all those things can be a black hole that’s hard to crawl out of. You start to wonder what your life would be like if you lived somewhere else. You start to idealize the people you used to know and the places you used to go. You start to focus on only what was in the past, forgetting to appreciate what you have in the here and now.

I’ve learned too important things that help me deal with being homesick.

1. Nobody is ever homesick forever — or at least nobody I know. You might feel a strong urge to go back home for a while, but it will pass. Yes, the age old wisdom really is true, “This too shall pass.” Eventually you’ll start to appreciate your life as is again, instead of wishing you were somewhere else. And if you have been homesick for an inordinate amount of time, maybe that just means you really should go back. But, homesickness for me has always passed within a month, and once it took two, but never more. So I comfort myself in knowing that homesickness too, shall pass.

2. Life goes on without you — accept it. At first when you live abroad, your friends start getting married, relatives start having babies, somebody’s grandma dies. And you miss it all. That feeling can be devastating, I know. Sooner or later, though, you’ll plant your own roots wherever you are. You’ll live through your own births and deaths and weddings and divorces and happiness and sadness. Those won’t replace what’s going on with your childhood/college friends and family back home. But, again, it comes back to living your life in the here and now, as corny as that may sound.

3. The beauty in being an expat is that you’re always missing someone, something, somewhere. Yes, I said beauty, that’s not a typo. In a sense it’s a little heartbreaking that you’re always far away from people and places you love. But, I really do think, that very few people are as appreciative of the friends and family they do have as expats are. When you miss someone or somewhere so much only then do you know how strongly you really love him/her/it.

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11 Comments

oh, what a lovely post.
I’m e-mailing it to my husband, who’s always like “back in Berkeley people used to…” or “this wouldn’t happen in San Francisco” and stuff like that. He has come to idealise so much that I fear if we ever move to San Francisco, he’ll be disapointed when he realises things are not perfect there either and then, what will make him happy? longing to be there, or longing to be here?
Better make the best of where you are and move on…
saludos.

Comment by Flo — April 23, 2009 @ 8:19 am

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i especially agree with point 2. although thoughout the last 5 years (since i moved away from my hometown) i have realized that i am not a person who gets homesick often. im pretty good at appreciating wherever i am and not dwelling about wherever im not. however, accepting the fact that live goes on without be when im not there to be apart of things kills me! when i went home for a few months this past summer i seriously almost stayed and when i looked at the reasons for doing so, many of them were to not miss so and sos event, or baby or wedding. it wasnt until i got back to chile that was like, THIS is my life and i need to do what is important for me. its hard to get to that mindset. but you just have to kick yourself in the butt and go do something you love in the place you are in. my choice would be getting a Terremoto at Bitacora (you have to go when youre in valpo) with my lover

Comment by emilyta — April 23, 2009 @ 9:07 am

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Good post Kyle!
I have been feeling very homesick lately, but I think it is because I know I am going home soon and time just slows down when we are looking forward to something so much.

Comment by Shannon — April 23, 2009 @ 9:55 am

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Good advice. #3 rings especially true for me because I didn’t truly learn to appreciate Minneapolis until I moved away. In my mind, it transformed from a place where not much happened to a city where I would love to raise a family.

Now I’m going to go drink a root beer, which helps ward off homesickness (or exacerbate it…I’m not sure which).

Comment by Leigh — April 23, 2009 @ 10:15 am

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I also find that sometimes spotting little bits of home really ease the homesickness.

Like whenever I see someone wearing a Red Sox hat in Melbourne I get a little thrill. Or if things get really bad on the homesick front I track down some rootbeer.

Comment by Deidre — April 23, 2009 @ 4:15 pm

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I’ve been homesick every since I moved to Miami Beach last August. I’m planning on moving next year, and the only reason I’m waiting that long is my husband’s visa. Arg! Worst feeling ever.

This post made me come to terms with my homesickness. I was right– I do need to move. I’m not a weirdo.

Comment by Mei — April 23, 2009 @ 4:24 pm

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You’re point #3 rang true for me, I consider my friends and family FAR more important to me now since living abroad. Before when people asked me, “are you close with your family?” I would respond “um, I guess so”, but now I would definitely say yes. Not yes in the sense that we see each other all the time or even talk all the time, but they are close to me and who I am.

Comment by Petunia — April 24, 2009 @ 12:16 am

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Hi

What a great post and an important issue.

On our first posting it felt so bad. The first 6 months were horrible. I was homesick all the time.

But then I realized that thinking and longing for the past is interfering with my ability to build a new life. SO I snapped out of it and started to enjoy and appreciate the new life.

Next posting was much easier. I did not miss home at all, and immediately worked on building a new life and new experiences.

Sharon

Comment by Sharon — April 24, 2009 @ 3:33 am

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I really appreciated this post. And I loved Emily’s comment stating, “This is my life.” I often make the mistake of living my life in anticipation of the next trip back home; the next time I will be able to see my closest friends and family. I often choose not to form ties to people and places where I live now because I am still holding onto what is far behind me. I live vicariously through the stories and events of others that are living their lives back home, lives I am no longer apart of outside phone calls and email.

I never thought of myself as the homesick type either. I figured I wouldn’t stay in my home state forever (as most Michiganders do…). However, even though I never thought I would, I sometimes even daydream about the scenario of moving back home. I think of all the people that I could see, the events I could attend, the babysitters I’d have…

I don’t want to live my life in anticipation of trips back home. It is not a healthy way to live and it’s something I am working on now that I realize that moving back home is not now, and probably will not ever be, a possiblilty. And I think if I actually did move back home, I wouldn’t like that either. Certain things would be nice, yes, but there is a certain sense of pride that comes from establishing your own life in a completely different surrounding than your upbringing.

It’s all about snapping out of it and enjoying the journey, what you have here and now, and like you said, forming new ties. Thank you, thank you for this post; it is something that is often on my mind!

Comment by Lindsey — April 24, 2009 @ 12:58 pm

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Nicely written.

I’m not an expat, but I live 1000 miles away from my family and have for the past 9 years. I’m not connected to them like I was. The hard part is that they’re all still deeply connected to each other. Sometimes it’s difficult to realize that I’m never going to be as connected to them as I was and that rather than feel guilty for not being there for all of those events I have to accept my life as it is and move on.

But maybe that’s also part of growing up and making a life for myself.

Comment by Ordinary Girl — April 24, 2009 @ 1:08 pm

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Home IS where the heart is, not where it might long to be.

The biggest mistake I made was when we moved once due to my husband’s job. We were told it was a temporary situation; about a year and then we would be transferred again. So I hestitated to get involved in anything, thinking we would just be moving on soon anyway so why bother. Then we ended up being there for 3 years. It was like 3 years of being in limbo. After that experience I vowed that wherever life took me I would never act like it was going to be just a temporary thing and would engage myself in the people and my surroundings; sieze the day, the month, the years!

Comment by Rita — April 24, 2009 @ 8:13 pm

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