June 28, 2009
I don’t know if anyone’s caught on to the theme of the title of all my non-photography related posts lately. If you know me it’s pretty easy to guess.
I know I’ve been sort of MIA with the blog, but honestly, I’m dealing with a lot lately. Physically, I’m a lot better. I haven’t died in three whole weeks. That’s definitely record-breaking for this month. It’s been exactly four weeks to the day that I got ran over and I’m still really gimpy. At least I can walk, but my left leg still doesn’t really bend which makes getting in and out of cars and going up and down stairs quite a challenge. I thought I’d be better by now. Honestly, I expected to have started jogging again by now. I guess I’m not as Superwoman as I thought.
However, aside from the physical stuff, I think mentally I just started dealing with all this. After the accident, first I was in shock (when I wrote that first blog post from the hospital with more smiley faces than have EVER been on this blog before), and then I just wanted to forget it ever happened and move on. I was sort of in denial that my life would have to change at all. I’ve been through a lot of strong emotions in the past couple days.
Since I only have a clear memory up until a certain point, looking back on it is almost like looking at it from a third person point of view. I feel so sorry for that poor girl who was out for a jog and got hit, by a truck, not a car, like I had originally thought, flew 30 meters (according to the police report) from where she got struck. Then thinking of me being unconcious on the road as other cars drive past just gives me the shudders. And I just want to cry when I imagine myself before S. got to the hospital, in shock, incoherently speaking in English with no one understanding me, alone, in the hallway of a public hospital bleeding with no doctor attending, no one fending for me, no one caring whether or not I was treated and safe, crying out over and over, “I huuuuuurt, I huuuurt. I want my mom. I waaaant myyyyy moooooom.” I mean, I don’t remember feeling terrified and very alone, but I’m sure I did.
Then I had to go and testify at the court. I’m not suing or anything like that. The family has already said that their son’s insurance will cover all out of pocket medical expenses that we had to pay — which isn’t really that much after our insurance has paid for their part. But, we still haven’t even recieved the bill from the hospital yet. And I also asked them to pay for the cost of a new iTouch since mine was crushed in the accident and they agreed. I just don’t feel like suing is the right thing to do. If he’s a person with a concious he’ll think about the fact that he almost killed someone every single day of his life. I know what it’s like to feel guilty for something, although not even close to the same level as he must feel for hitting me. And I think that feeling guilty is punishment enough. As long as the costs I incurred are covered I don’t really feel like I deserve money just because someone made a mistake.
Anyway, the Chilean court automatically starts a case so if you do want to take it to court they already have statements from both sides. So I had to go talk to a lady at the court and give her my side of the story. I was actually shocked because the guy said he had a green light and I’m positive he had a red because I remember up until that point seeing the crosswalk light green for me. But, I suppose he just wanted to protect himself in case I had decided to sue him or something like that.
So while I was there, I got to see the photos that the guy had brought in of his truck. I was surprised because it was a big truck. I hadn’t previously known that. Then when I saw the dent that I left it just brought me back to that moment of waking up in the hospital when everything hurt. My teeth hurt so bad I couldn’t chew, every inch of my body was bruised so there was no way to sleep comfortably or move without being in awful pain. I won’t go into detail about how bad I hurt since I’ve already written lots of posts about it and you’ve seen photos but the memories just came flooding back.
And I felt angry for the first time, seeing that truck, how big it is and thinking of it hitting a fragile human being and hurling her through the air. Because in comparison with vehicles, humans are shocking fragile — guess I had to learn that the hard way.
But, the anger has only been momentary. I’ve also been going through a lot of, “Why did this happen to me and why am I still alive?” I think I’m still alive because I still have a lot of good works to do on this earth. I want to start an education foundation in Chile and fund lots of people going to college, I want to be a philanthropist like Bill Gates, there are a lot more people I want to make happy by photographing their weddings. Of course there are things I want to do for selfish reasons too — travel the world, become a famous wedding photographer and do a celeb wedding, buy a pair of peep toe Christian Louboutin heels, grow old with S., read every book in Barnes and Noble — the possibilities are endless but they’re all things that make me happy. I know it sounds a little kooky, but I’m convinced that I’m still alive because I’m going to do lots of good things for other people.
And while I have no answer for why I got hit. I’ve always been agnostic — I believe in a higher power but no one specific god. This accident has me no more or less clear on things. I also believe in karma, but then I have to wonder — did I do something really horrible to deserve getting hit by a car or did I do something really good to deserve living? Can anyone really do anything to deserve those kinds of things? I don’t think so, yet for some reason I still strongly believe in the power of karma. And I mean strongly. Of course Brazil came back from being down 2-0 to the U.S.A. in the Confederations Cup final game to win 3-2 — they had scored a second goal that wasn’t counted. The ball went all the way in and the ref didn’t see it. So it was karma that they were able to get one more for the win that they deserved in the very last minutes of the game. I would’ve been shocked if that hadn’t happened.
I’ve said this to a couple people before but I don’t think I’ve said it on the blog before (and if I have, pardon me, my memory is still not 100%) — I either had a really bad month, getting hit by a car and then having my throat start swelling closed because of an allergic reaction to my bandages on the wounds. Or I’ve had a really fantastic month — I almost died twice and twice I survived. It all depends on how you look at it.
I also keep getting really freaked out when I think about how final death is. I am still totally missing from my memory almost the first 24 hours after getting hit, plus an entire three days or so after that are extremely fuzzy. The fact that I have no memory of the part where I actually got hit scared me so bad I started crying yesterday. I mean, if I had died, I would have never even realized. That sounds stupid. DUH obviously no one realizes that they’re dead but maybe people who have had scary experiences like this understand. Poof, I’d just be gone and I wouldn’t know it. Thinking about that makes me inconsolably sad. I wouldn’t have been able to say my goodbyes. I wouldn’t have been able to make sure I left the mark on the people I love that I want to make.
I’m not trying to open a can of words by talking about my personal beliefs. The accident hasn’t left me searching for religion or anything like that. I didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel or anything crazy. Really, I’m just thinking out loud on the blog. I want to write about something else other than the accident, I swear, but that’s all that’s on my mind these days. Plus, tomorrow we’re meeting up with the kid who hit me and his parents because they’ve been wanting to get together for a while now. So I’ve been thinking about what I want to say…I got nothin’. I don’t really harbor any resentment towards the kid, nor am I angry at him, nor am I particularly sad at the turns my life has taken, including the turns it’s taken because of the accident. I guess to me the whole thing is a very abstract concept since I don’t rememeber. Getting hit isn’t real. I can’t even imagine me getting run over. It’s just not real. Recovering from the accident, now that is real.
Sorry, this is really getting babble-y now. By tomorrow I’m going to try to have Sebastian and Diana’s beautiful wedding to post. Because as a friend said after the accident, “Your blog is so intense.” Hopefully pretty wedding pictures will lighten the mood. 
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Hey, Kyle, I've said this before but you're expecting so much of yourself, physically and mentally, too soon. What you went through, what you're going through, is a huge thing – I can't imagine it, my only understanding is from reading your blog – and it's going to make you think, and reassess, and wonder, and worry. And cry. Because all of that is part of your healing process.
This is your blog, it's your story. Don't apologise for being honest on here, it's why so many of us read it.
Hope you're feeling better, stronger and more stable soon, Kyle x
Comment by Eliza Claire — June 29, 2009 @ 3:07 am
I like that your blog is intense — you just went through a life-changing experience! For me, it's been totally gripping to read about… you're being honest about feeling sad, in pain, and it takes a lot of guts to do that. Plus, you may not realize this, but you have an amazing amount of strength (mental and physical) to be dealing with all of this in the way you have. Please keep writing about what you're going through!
Comment by Lesley — June 29, 2009 @ 7:49 am
This post made me want to cry. It's ok for you to be going through all of this delayed emotional torment. I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through. I'm sure it feels like hell but it's also a natural part of the mental healing process. You may feel really weak right now but I really admire you for always being so strong.
Keep your head up, because it will get better. Your resilience and ambition are truly inspiring. I wish I were still in Santiago to share a bottle of vino tinto with you and listen to you vent. In the meantime, we're all rooting for you, girl! <3
Comment by Renée — June 29, 2009 @ 9:07 am
Kyle, don't worry about what people think, just do what you need to do to get better. We all love and support you. I can't imagine what you're going through right now and I'm certainly not going to judge you for not “getting over it”. As if you need to anyway. Be you and do what you need to do to cope with the accident. I know you have a loving and supportive family, but you have a lot of people you've touched as well and they're not going to desert you because you're going through a tough time.
I wish I was there and could do more for you. I so wanted to send you flowers after your accident, but I had no idea where to send them. I could just imagine telling the florist “Kyle in Santiago”.
Comment by Ordinary Girl — June 29, 2009 @ 10:28 am
I've heard that whole light at the end of the tunnel thing has to do with brain chemicals and whatnot, things that are released, that's there's a scientific explanation. It's ok that it's intense! You've had an intense month and why skate around the real grit of life?
Kyle, I love you dearly, and I, too am so thankful that you've made it through it and are still here on ths earth. Because like you said, I know you've still got a lot of world changing left to do. And who knows, maybe someday this experience will serve you… everything that doesn't kill us is supposed to serve some purpose. <3 <3 take care of yourself mamacita.
Comment by Amanda — June 29, 2009 @ 10:42 am
Like I said the other day, it's like you have empathy for yourself. I hope you continue to heal, and that in time, this ugly memory will fade a little bit, and remain a fact, but not a repeated source of worry. You deserve to be free from it.
Also, you might want to go to an orthopedist (traumatologo) for your knee? You are probably going to need to build up the muscle strength after you get your range of motion back. For that matter, you're going to have to start working your range of motion. Buuuu. owie, kinesologÃa.
Comment by eileen — June 29, 2009 @ 1:39 pm
You are right Liz, I am definitely do all of those things and more. It's been an interesting process and I guess it's just surprised me at how much I've struggled with some of it. I didn't think I had been affected *that* much but I guess I was wrong.
Thank you so much for your support.
Comment by kyleracine — June 29, 2009 @ 11:35 pm
I don't know if have as much strength as you think Lesley…I've sort of felt myself breaking down in the past week! But I sincerely appreciate your kind words.
Comment by kyleracine — June 29, 2009 @ 11:36 pm
Don't cry Renee, soon I will be better and coming to visit you in BA! Hopefully I will be walking like a champ and mentally healed as well by then.
Miss you!!!
Comment by kyleracine — June 29, 2009 @ 11:37 pm
Haha OG (am I allowed to call you by your real name on the internet? to be safe I'm sticking to OG), that's so sweet! And hilarious…because I think by asking for Kyle in Santiago they might have been able to find me
But don't worry about not sending the flowers, your words are enough. I appreciate so much just knowing that I have friends, online ones and ones I know in real life, that are hoping for me to come out of this alright.
Comment by kyleracine — June 29, 2009 @ 11:41 pm
You and me both! Thank goodness I'm still here, I haven't had a chance to do your photo session yet! Haha, someday…when we're both in the same state.
Thank you for all your support, sending you a mental hug
Comment by kyleracine — June 29, 2009 @ 11:43 pm
I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're a wise one Eileen! You're right, I do have empathy for myself…it's just such a strange feeling!
My knee gets one more week to try and heal on it's own since the doc said that I just needed to walk on it for the strength to come back. If I haven't noticed a big difference I'll go back and have them check out and see if I need to do anything or if they need to do more x-rays or something to see if there's something else wrong with it.
Comment by kyleracine — June 29, 2009 @ 11:45 pm
Kyle, haha… I think Fate has been holding out for me to have amazing hair.
Comment by Amanda — June 30, 2009 @ 3:54 am
Of course you can call me by my real name on the internet. I guess I'm pretty well out of the box on that.
Comment by Ordinarygirl — June 30, 2009 @ 4:02 am
You are dealing with so much. For those of us who heard about your accident via your blog (at least for me) all those images you are describing came to mind. The horror of it was difficult to imagine, yet you lived it. You just need to allow yourself more time to deal with everything and everyone deals with it in a different way, no one way really correct. As far as my beliefs go, life's experiences, good and bad, happen for a reason and that reason becomes clear when you very least expect. Usually not when we are searching for the answer. At least that is my perception of things. Do take care of yourself, it sounds like your body has a lot more healing to do than you expected.
Comment by Lori — June 30, 2009 @ 1:11 pm
I am, as per usual, extremely impressed with how beautifully you articulate what you are feeling. Thanks for sharing this…. I think in terms of everything you say here, like whether it's good karma or bad, and all that, you should look at it from the positive side. Maybe it IS bad karma, but what would be the point of looking at it that way? Since they are things you'll never know, I'd say look at the positive side because there's no point in suffering unnecessarily. As to your point about ” I mean, if I had died, I would have never even realized”….in my opinion, that´s a good thing! I´d much rather die instantaneously without realizing it than be given several days to live in which I´d probably be depressed, cry, have to say goodbye, and people's last memory of me would be a very sad one. I think in an ideal world we should just try to live up everyday so as not to need goodbyes. I'd rather die quickly and randomly so that the suffering is short and quick instead of drawn out. Anyways, not saying anyone else has to think the same thing, but that´s just my two cents. As everyone says here, “cada loco con su tema.” Hope you keep getting better both physically and emotionally!
Comment by Leana — June 30, 2009 @ 2:00 pm
I don't think anyone can ever really forget something like this. I know that I've had some bad experiences in my life and while time dulls the image, I still remember what happened. Maybe he wants to meet up with you to apologize or so that he feels better. It sounds like you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and that is good. He probably does feel really awful. Hope you continue to feel better
Comment by Sara — July 1, 2009 @ 9:01 am
Definitely you have GOOD karma!!! I'm so happy that you're alive and that you're able to actually write a blog still. Keep thinking positive and I promise it will help you mentally. You need to keep doing things that are going to nourish your spirit. On top of asking them to pay for a new itouch, I think you also need to ask them to send you on a trip to an exotic island where you can sip cocktails and go to the spa for treatments. Haha.
PS I was watchig that USA/Brasil game while in Argentina last week. Crazy!!!
Comment by Andi — July 2, 2009 @ 2:21 pm
Kyle, I think it was a good thing for you to write this post. Like others have said, it sounds like you are dealing with so many emotions. The sentiments behind your post made my eyes swell with tears.
Wish I could comfort the lost girl in the emergency room.
I am so glad that you are healing. Keep writing and go slow.
Comment by Still Life in South America — July 2, 2009 @ 3:52 pm
Dont know what to say really, but a depressingly useful quote came into my mind: “Live like you're dying”….its takes some balls to live like that, but still…i think its a good way to do it, specially after you realize that no matter where or when…in a few minutes, you could be dead, and never saw it coming.
Anyway…cheer up, chin up! read you around
Comment by GabrielR — July 3, 2009 @ 1:23 am
Dont know what to say really, but a depressingly useful quote came into my mind: “Live like you're dying”….its takes some balls to live like that, but still…i think its a good way to do it, specially after you realize that no matter where or when…in a few minutes, you could be dead, and never saw it coming.
Anyway…cheer up, chin up! read you around
Comment by GabrielR — July 3, 2009 @ 8:23 am