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Weddings in Chile

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November 8, 2009

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The other day, we went to a wedding — our first wedding as guests in over a year. I kid you not, when the groom kissed the bride (and I didn’t see the photographer anywhere in sight) my hands started twitching uncontrollably — SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE TAKING THIS PHOTO!!!

But, I got myself through it, no medication required, and moved on to the festivities of the night. With 400 guests on the list there was a mistake on the seating arrangements which basically resulted in an all out brawl between us and a grown adult woman. I’m not going to get into it, but it basically made me really think about the whole Chilean concept of weddings. It’s so different than U.S. weddings. Sidenote — it also made me wonder how much of this goes on between guests at the weddings we photograph. Since I’m always with the bride and groom, and everything is always happy in bride and groom world, and people try to fix problems before they get wind of, things always seem like they’re going so smoothly at all the weddings we’re at!

In this lovely, long skinny country, when one marries, there’s an obligation that goes along with that — the obligation is to invite everyone and anyone who has ever invited, you, your parents or your immediate family to come to their wedding or their immediate family’s wedding. Mom and Dad often have a guest list much longer than the bride and groom’s. A wedding is almost like a networking event — your guests will be the ones who will supposedly help you and your family out in the future. They’ll be pitutos* you can count on. A boda** is the old school way of doing social media.

Now, I don’t know if this is because my friends and family aren’t exceptionally wealthy back in the U.S. but, the biggest wedding I’ve ever been to in my home country was probably 150 guests, if that. I’d say here, the average is around 200, but a 300-500 person wedding isn’t uncommon. The largest wedding we’ve been to here was 800 guests. The smallest we attended was our own, coming in at a whopping 40 people.

In keeping with the obligation theme, In Chilean weddings, the tables are often set up in order of guest importance. The bride and groom sit at the head table with their mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and that’s it. Then, at Mesa #2***, come the most important guests. These are usually close family, aunts, uncles and then lifelong best friends. And so on and so on. If you’re at Mesa #40, you’re either not very important to the bride and groom, or maybe just not that important to their parents, who have a lot of control.

In U.S. weddings, the bride and groom are normally at the head table with their wedding party — their closest friends who are bridesmaids and groomsmen dressed in matching suits and dresses (now that I think about it, a really strange concept). Their families sit together at a different table. And this, I’m not sure about at all, because I’ve never paid attention to seating arrangements at my friends’ weddings, but I think in the U.S. the table order is random? You would just put people that know each other at the same table, right?

At our big fat Chilean wedding, we pissed a lot of people off. At first it was an issue for Seba’s family that we didn’t want to invite everyone in the entire country of Chile that they had ever said, “Hola,” to at one point or another. In the end we all made peace, but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t some serious tensions for a while there over not inviting Seba’s mom’s psychiatrist. :P We also sat at a table with our friends, but, there were only four tables — one was the grown up table, where anybody over 40 was relegated. And the other three were friends, which we tried to put in order of who spoke Spanish and who spoke English. Nothing more, nothing less — although one person did take it as something more because her table just happened to be the one closest to the door.

Anyway, my point being, that it’s all just a whole lot of stress over nothing. Let the novios**** sit where they want to sit, with who they want to sit, let them invite whoever they feel like — it’s THEIR wedding. Although, if the parents are paying I guess that’s a different story entirely.

What differences have you noticed in Chilean and U.S. weddings?

*A foot in the door, an “in,” so to speak.
**Wedding.
***Table #2.
****Bride and groom.

  • Flo
    Great post!
    At my wedding there were like 70 people. Neither parents said anything since WE WERE PAYING FOR THE WHOLE THING OURSELVES, plus my husband's family is tiny and the ones who didn't excuse themselves because of a 90-year-old lady's death in the family (yeah, I know), were abroad. Not even his sisters were there.
    I am aware that many relatives would have considered it obvious to be invited, but I chose to overlook that and would do it again if faced with the same situation today. It's nice to catch up at weddings and funerals, but let's be honest I didn't want to rent a super huge place and serve crappy food to hundreds of people; I preffered to do something special for the few who really matter to us and to whom we really matter. Fortunately my family is full of decent people and many sent gifts even if they just got a letter announcing our wedding (might that have been vulgar, telling them but not inviting them and still including the department store sticker in the envelope?)
    About US weddings, I'm sorry but I think bridesmaids all dressed up in the same (almost always) hideous dress is beyond me.
  • kyleracine
    Glad you were able to do your own thing Flo. I think you're right. So many big weddings turn into a sort of shot...but in the end if you're doing something SO huge are you truly able to make it special for all 500 hundred people there? Sometimes, yes, but it's much harder.
  • I think I disagree with you a bit on two small things. First, the head table tradition seems to be getting a lot more flexible now - the last 3 weddings I've been to in the US have had a "sweetheart table" for just the couple, and the bridesmaids/groomsmen sit with their other friends and dates. Second, I think that tables are ordered by importance in the US as well. Yes, people are seated with who they'll get along with, but I feel like usually the parents are right up front on the dance floor, next to tables with the couples' best friends, and as you move farther away you get to the people who aren't as close. But I'm sure that also depends on the wedding.

    I feel lucky that my in-laws aren't the typical Chilean "you have to invite my coworker's son" people. We both have big families and of course our friends, so if everyone was invited to the same wedding (rather than my family/friends coming to a reception in the US), we'd have a guest list of around 250, but they'd be all people that WE want there. At the 500-person wedding we went to recently we had a lot of fun, but I know the couple didn't get a chance to really hang out with every "tio" in attendance (and probably didn't care to since they barely knew some people), and that's not what I'd choose for my own celebration.
  • kyleracine
    Like I said, I wasn't sure about that since I haven't been to many weddings as a guest. If there is an order to it, at least at the weddings that I've been at in the U.S. though, it wasn't as obviously...like WOAH you guys MUST be important since you're at mesa #2.

    I actually have seen one bride and groom in Chile do a sweetheart table too, at Terrazas de la Reina. They had a little tiny mesa para dos while everyone else was at the big 10 people round tables. I thought it was cute!
  • amanda
    I think we broke just about every rule at our wedding? I can't remember our tables, but we put people with whom they knew or we thought they would get along with. I hope no one was pissed off. I was totally not a part of the table discussion since I didn't know anyone. Our head table was us and our families since we didn't have wedding parties. F. was front and center with us.

    We also didn't invite a lot of people. It didn't seem to be an issue. Maybe cause O's parents were paying for everything?

    One thing that did make most of the young people angry was the "Thank you for not smoking" signs. They weren't ours, because it was a policy of the place, but we stuck to it much to everyone's dismay. That did piss people off exponentially. But my parents from the US would have promptly left if people were smoking cigarettes in doors.

    The entertainment of the night was my dad performing bar tricks for the Chileans. It was hilarious. They all gathered around in a big circle and he managed to charm them despite not speaking a lick of spanish!
  • Oh yeah, the smoking. We were originally going to make it no smoking, but since our venue is on the second story we don't want to make people deal with stairs to go outside. But we WILL be making an announcement that there is no smoking during dinner and that after dinner there's no smoking on the dance floor (the other room is better ventilated). I don't want to make the party suck for half of the guests, but I also don't want to make my wedding suck for me, so this seemed like the best compromise. All of Rodolfo's friends think I still have really severe asthma, no reason to tell them that seems to have cleared up...
  • kyleracine
    Oh man, I have been at one wedding here as a guest where there were no smoking signs up and people started smoking anyway. Then the waiters and waitresses started kicking people out to go outside and people were getting really mad. It was drama.
  • I think the smallest wedding you attended was ours Kyle! A massive 12 people! There was a lot of tension during the organisation of it all as my Chilean family did actually want to invite every Tom, Dick and Harry but by the end of it we decided as only my important family members were flying out for it, then we´d only invite the same from A's side much to the suegras disappointment but in my personal opinion, small weddings are best. I wouldn't have had it any other way. It was cosy, informal and fun, spending our big day with those I love most by the ocean! Couldn't get any better than that really.
  • kyleracine
    Oh you're right Tamsin! For some reason I was thinking there were more people there, but then I remembered that we all fit at one little table for the dinner. It was cozy!
  • I haven't been to many weddings in Canada but I've probably been to more than 10 weddings in Chile, so I probably know more about Chilean weddings than Canadian ones! But one thing I did notice is that in Chile, when you're invited to a wedding, you're pretty much automatically allowed to bring a date. The result is that the wedding ends up doubling in size and so the bride and groom may not even know half the wedding. I've been to so many weddings where I didn't know the couple at all and saw that even many of the dates of my fiances friends didn't know the couple or even their boyfriends friends. So I guess that can make the wedding more impersonal but on the other hand, you're guaranteed to have someone to dance with! I've never been to a wedding in Canada where you're allowed to bring a date. Usually the couple only invites people they both know and are close to.

    One thing I LOVE about Chilean weddings is that they are all night parties! Some of them end at 8 in the morning and there's been a few where we've gone out afterwards for breakfast and even seafood at the central market! (It's supposed to be good for the hangover) I love it! On the other hand, in Canada, most of the weddings end by 1 or 2 and I've even been to a couple of weddings where people started leaving around 11! I also love how most of the weddings in Chile have an open bar, a huge dessert buffet, and a midnight snack!!! Most even have this type of broth that they bring out late on in the night AFTER the midnight snack which is supposed to help your stomach settle after all that eating and drinking.

    One thing I don't love about the weddings in Chile is the lack of toasts and speeches! The weddings seem much less personal because there is a lot less participation from the bride and groom and their families in the wedding. I for one love to hear the toasts at weddings and love to get a bit of background info on the couple like how they met etc. I also love it when the couple does some sort of presentation or something special to personalize their wedding. I don't see much of that in Chile, especially regarding toasts.

    Another bonus, planning a wedding in Chile is cheaper! Which is great if you're planning a wedding there! (Like me!). However, there still are many outrageously expensive places but I'm pretty sure if I were to pay for the venue and catering we're getting in Chile, here in Canada, I'm sure I would be paying a lot more.

    Last thing: I've noticed that wedding dresses worn by the brides don't have much variety. In all the weddings I've been to in Chile, the dresses have always looked very similar: specifically, a pure white bell strapless dress. They've all seemed of similar material and no dress has ever really stood out in my mind as being different and unique. I really value uniqueness so that was a big thing for me. I figure it's because, as so many people know and have discussed, Chile is such a homogenous society and so people are a bit scared to deviate from the norm. My wedding dress is pretty different so I hope people will like it and accept it for being unique! Actually, when I showed pictures of some wedding dresses I like to my fiances sister (which were dresses I tried on here in Canada), she told me she didn't like any of them and told me it might be better to look at Chilean stores for wedding dresses!

    Okay, sorry for this outrageously long post! But I've always noticed these wedding differences and it's great to finally be able to discuss them! I should have just started a blog post lol.
  • kyleracine
    Lucie, man your boyfriend has a TON of friends getting married! Send them my way, hahaha! No but seriously, you've been to almost as many weddings in Chile as I have...that's saying a lot :P

    As for dresses, I think you're right. I tried to do my dress shopping here and all I could find was A-line, which just doesn't look good on me. I ended up buying a dress in the U.S. There are some cool unique dresses here but you have to really hunt for them...and they're often super expensive.

    In terms of toasts, I think it depends a lot on the wedding. I have definitely heard quite a few tear jerkers at the weddings that I've been at!
  • Ritamae39
    Is it my imagination or did your font just get bigger?
  • kyleracine
    It did. People asked for it in the survey so I changed it.
  • maeskizzle
    hahaha. One of the first questions a few of my Chilean friends asked me when we met was "Are American weddings really like in the movies?" To which I responded, "How's that?" And they clarified: "You know with all the girls in the same dress?" I'd just gotten back from my brother's wedding in the States, and I showed them the photos which confirmed their horror. hahahha. They found the bridesmaids dresses terrible. Everyone in the same a-line dress. hahahaha.

    I think the idea of inviting EVERYONE to the weddings here is starting to become out-of-fashion, especially since the majority of the weddings I've been to here were funded by the bride and groom, not their parents. In one, the novios even left some family they barely ever saw off the list, which resulted in hard feelings, but they said, "we're paying for this, we want to invite who we want to invite. y punto." The parents really have no say if they are not footing the bill, or at least part of the bill.

    The last weddding we went to was really fun. The novio's family was bueno para el hueveo!!! They even had a 30-minute karaoke session where the novios sang a couple karaoke songs as did several of the guests. It was hilarious!
  • kyleracine
    Hahahaha, I do think bridesmaids/groomsmen is a really strange concept, but I'm not going to lie...I like photographing them... I think they look cool at weddings!

    Ps. Karaoke at a wedding sounds awesome. That is, until people start to get really wasted. Then it might be horrific/incredibly fun :P
  • Oh, yes, I remember the "wedding as networking opportunity" outlook that my Chilean in-laws had. Given that my parents were paying and I have a large, fairly tight extended family, in addition to all our friends, and limited venue space, that was shut down pretty quickly. To be fair, I don't know that this is just a Chilean phenomenon though--I've certainly been to plenty of American weddings where there were more co-workers of the parents present than friends of the bride and groom. I live in a pretty career/status obsessed part of the country and there is definitely a particular type of crassly upwardly mobile family that would find it important to repay social favors with their child's wedding. There's more money in this part of the country too, so cost constraints don't keep this in check the way it might in other places.
  • kyleracine
    Yeah Mary, you are probably right. I'm from a smaller city that's not ridiculously wealthy, nor does my family have a lot of money so my experience with weddings in the U.S. is definitely shaped by that. Everyone I know has had pretty modest weddings.
  • Fned
    Ooh wedding post!! I love wedding posts!!!

    As I might have mentioned to ya when you guys were here, our wedding was a small and pretty laid back event. We paid for everything ourselves and this allowed us to keep it small (and affordable) and to have it OUR way since it was us who were footing the bill. At the beginning my PIL took it badly (Hubby is an only child and they'd been looking forward to "running" the event) but I kept my stand and eventually they realized they either got with the program (ours) or they would miss out on the event all together. Eventually they came around and in the end they even ended up helping us put the finishing touches on all the organization stuff.

    We had a small party (80 people, meaning 40 invites + dates) but really nice if I do say so myself ;)

    Because we didn't go with the conventional traditions of a French, American or even Mexican wedding, but instead we just took what we liked of each and mished mashed it into a party that matched our personality, all of our friends and family told us it felt like a very personal and unique event.

    I totally agree with what you say... the wedding is all about the bride and the groom. Let them be the deciders of how they want their special day to turn out and that's exactly what it will be!!

    Fned.
  • kyleracine
    Your wedding at that castle looked stunning Fned. Everytime I see the pictures I wish so badly I had been your photographer, hahaha!

    How cool that you got to mix the traditions of three countries. That really is the best part of weddings, seeing the way each couple brings their personalities into it.
  • Debora
    I just signed up for your blog, so I'm cathcing up on posts. This is all so interesting! I'm African-American and I live in Rochester, NY. My husband is a native of Santiago and we have been married for 2 years. I think we avoided the wedding "guest list drama" because our wedding took place in the U.S. I have never been to a wedding in Chile, but it sounds like guest list expectations resemble those of many American families. Our wedding was small by American standards--about 65 guests and 1 maid of honor and 1 best man. Our style was non-traditional too. We were married in January so we had a winter-themed wedding. My dress & veil were an icy aquamarine color, as was the cake (embellished with snowflake design). Our friend conducted the wedding ceremony and he is a shaman; the wedding ceremony and celebration/reception took place in a large hotel (we're not members of a church); we hired flamenco guitarrists to perform during the wedding ceremony and cocktail reception; at the dinner celebration my husband and I sat at a sweetheart table instead of a head table. Luckily, my parents and I have many of the same close friends, so people that they wanted to invite were people that my husband and I also wanted to invite. My parents also insisted on paying for the wedding since I am their only daughter and first child to marry. My brother is 9 years younger than I and is still single. So it was a great celebration and our guests were friends and family that we really know---not random strangers. Coincidentally, my husband is in Chile now for his 21-year old daughter's wedding. Alas, I am in graduate school, so I was unable to take a few weeks off from classes to join him in Chile.
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