Remnants of the Accident

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February 25, 2010

The other day, someone innocently asked, “What happened to your knees?”

That question catches me off guard every time. The accident was probably the biggest thing that ever happened to me in terms of major life markers so I forget that not everybody I’ve met recently knows about it. That’s weird to me. When I go back home and see people that I was close to back in the day, and they don’t know, I want to get up and shout, “Do you know what happened to me? I could have died! Can’t you FEEL how different life is is?” But life really isn’t that different. Not for anyone but me, not even for Seba.

For me though, the accident crosses my mind at least once a day. I’m not saying I sit at home and dwell on it or walking around like a loony thanking my lucky stars and screaming. It’s just always there in the back of my mind — wondering if I’ll ever be able to drive by that corner without seeing myself laying on the street bleeding, wondering if I’ll have knee problems when I’m older, wondering if I’ll ever get skinny again, wondering if the allergic reaction that started with the bandages on my knees will ever stop, wondering if I’ll ever go back to not knowing how good it feels to exist and keep existing.

The funny thing, is that I don’t even think my scars are that bad. If I saw them on somebody else’s knees, I think I would assume they had a bicycle or rollerblading accident. I don’t mind people asking though. I like seeing the look on people’s faces when I tell them how far in the air I flew. And I like being reminded that I’m lucky to be alive. I’m lucky to have fallen into a career as a wedding photographer, which I absolutely love. I’m lucky to be married to a guy that I’m crazy about. I’m lucky to be able to travel. I’m lucky, I really am.

Alright, I’m done being a cornball. Carry on.

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18 Comments

  1. I really think that's ok. You went through major trauma. That's the sort of thing that doesn't just go away. I think it's amazing that you're able to move on with your life, and bounce back as well as you did. Be gentle with yourself! And patient. I don't think you have PTSD, nor do I think you'd get it, but I think it's important for anyone who has been through any kind of trauma to be familiar with what it is–it can kind of just creep up after near death experiences. But being a cornball is okay! <3 besos

    Comment by asuhey — February 26, 2010 @ 2:11 am

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  2. I don't trust anyone that doesn't walk with a limp. People who have been through stuff, have marks, not always physical, but experiences leave a mark. Those experiences help us along in life and it's all what we make of them. Sounds like you made something pretty good!

    Comment by chavvon — February 26, 2010 @ 3:11 pm

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  3. Awww, Kyle! You're blog is always so inspiring and honest. My best friend got hit by a delivery truck in NYC a couple of weeks ago. He's alive but recovering with a few fractured ribs and back problems. I passed along your story and blog to him hoping it will help him heal faster mentally at least.

    Comment by Renee — February 26, 2010 @ 7:38 pm

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  4. Kyle – I can relate so much to what you are saying. You have moved on, but the trauma lives on with you. It's been two years and for me there is never a clear cut conclusion. I hate it when people ask me “what happened to your arm?” because it involuntarily pro pulses me back to my trauma during what is supposed to be a fun, social moment. I really don't know how to answer that question, because there is no simple answer, and any answer on my part (“I was shot”) only brings more questions from the other party (when?what?!how?) things I really don't want to get into for the 200th time. I had started wearing long sleeves just to avoid the question – but that is not the solution. The solution is to wear your scars proudly, because they make you a stronger, better person, they are are part of the story of your life.

    Comment by vanessa2010 — February 26, 2010 @ 8:30 pm

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  5. Kyle, I'm reading about the earthquake there this morning and hoping you are safe and sound.

    Comment by capturinglife — February 27, 2010 @ 7:12 am

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  6. Sweetie, I just woke up and saw the news… I'm pretty sure you are okay, but I hope that you and Seba's family are okay as well? My thoughts are with the people of Chile this AM.

    Comment by GlobalButterfly — February 27, 2010 @ 7:31 am

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  7. Haha, thanks. I don't think patience is my strong point but im trying.

    Comment by kyleracine — March 2, 2010 @ 8:19 pm

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  8. “I don't trust anyone that doesn't walk with a limp” I'm going to start using that as my model. I love it!

    Comment by kyleracine — March 2, 2010 @ 8:25 pm

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  9. OMG, I can't believe it. I'm so sorry to hear that. Tell him he can send me an email if he feels like talking about it with someone.

    Comment by kyleracine — March 2, 2010 @ 8:27 pm

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  10. Glad you are moving on. It sounds like you have been through some serious trauma.

    Comment by kyleracine — March 2, 2010 @ 8:31 pm

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  11. Thank you so much for your concern. I think you were one of the first people to think of us.

    Comment by kyleracine — March 2, 2010 @ 8:32 pm

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  12. Thank you Andi. As you already know we are just fine, thank goodness!

    Comment by kyleracine — March 2, 2010 @ 8:34 pm

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  13. Haha, thanks. I don't think patience is my strong point but I'm trying.

    Comment by kyleracine — March 3, 2010 @ 4:19 am

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  14. “I don't trust anyone that doesn't walk with a limp” I'm going to start using that as my motto. I love it!

    Comment by kyleracine — March 3, 2010 @ 4:25 am

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  15. OMG, I can't believe it. I'm so sorry to hear that. Tell him he can send me an email if he feels like talking about it with someone.

    Comment by kyleracine — March 3, 2010 @ 4:27 am

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  16. Glad you are moving on. It sounds like you have been through some serious trauma.

    Comment by kyleracine — March 3, 2010 @ 4:31 am

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  17. Thank you so much for your concern. I think you were one of the first people to think of us.

    Comment by kyleracine — March 3, 2010 @ 4:32 am

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  18. Thank you Andi. As you already know we are just fine, thank goodness!

    Comment by kyleracine — March 3, 2010 @ 4:34 am

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