Fotografo de Bodas, Santiago

May 31, 2010

A year ago today I got hit by a car. I debated whether to even blog about this but in the end I decided I would because I still think about it a lot — because let’s be real here, getting hit by a car is a B.F.D. While I think I went through all the stages of dealing with the accident and blogging about it — first writing about it so delirious that I have no memory of that blog post,posting hideous pictures of me after a week long hospital stay, writing about Papito’s reaction, how it affected our travel plans, how the Chilean healthcare system worked for me, a photo of the allergic reaction I got from the bandages on my knees (click only if you’re not easily grossed out), I tried to piece my memories back together to no avail, meeting up with the guy who ran me over, and my favorite of all the accident posts, is the one where I wrote about running through the streets of Estacion Central screaming, “CHILE, YOU’LL NEVER KILL ME!”

So while I know I’ve written about it to death, bear with me — I have more to say on the subject. Reading through all those posts gets me all choked up. I’m actually crying a little bit as I type this. I’m not really sad though. Just emotional. 2009 was so effing hard. I spent 7 months of the entire year trying to recover physically and mentally. And now in 2010 I feel like I’m much closer to getting there — not because I’m now completely physically ok. I am still on anti-hystamines because my body never stopped reacting after the allergic reaction. And I fricken can’t shave my right knee because apparently the nerve endings are still growing back so I can’t even touch it because the skin is so ridiculously sensitive — and hairy!

But I’ve learned something important. I’ve learned to forgive myself. Like, I imagine the majority of women on the planet do, I was so hard on myself for a long time because I still haven’t lost all the weight I gained after the accident. And while I’d still like to be thinner again, I’ve let up on myself. I’m not going to obsess about it or beat myself up over 5 pounds, because ummm, hey, I’m still alive! What do 5 pounds matter?

One of my goals for this year was to run a marathon. I’m not sure that’s going to happen anymore. I have not been able to up my mileage much at all because my left knee starts hurting. In the past I would have been angry that I’m not able to train like I should be training. I’m still trying, but at this point the progress is so slow I may end up running half the marathon in October and calling it a day. And I won’t beat myself up for that either even though pre-accident Kyle would be incredibly pissed off at herself for not being able.

And of course, I’ve learned all the other important life lessons that one learns when she almost dies — live every day as if it were your last, tell everyone you love how much you love them, be a better person, leave the world a better place, yadiyadiyada.

But I still feel like the most valuable lesson that I’m taking away from all this is to stop beating myself for silly stuff that doesn’t matter. I’m still alive. That matters.

PS. Totally off topic, but I want to know your favorite places in Santiago, please help me out!

PSS. It’s this new blog’s anniversary too! Last year when I debuted kylehepp.com in May we got 6,000 pageviews in a month and now a year later, I get in between 20,000 and 30,000 pageviews a month! Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who visits my little corner of the internet. It means a lot to me that you’ve all been on this crazy journey with me — from life as an expat in Chile, to becoming a wedding photographer and starting a new business to reading incessant posts about me getting hit by a car and trying to recover from it — from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate you.

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20 Comments

Wow, I can't believe it has already been a year for this blog. Congrats! I've enjoyed following part of your journey. It's been inspiring! Glad you put what you took away from your tragic experience into words for us. It is a reminder not to worry about the small things and focus on the bigger picture. I hope this year brings you continued healing and success!

Comment by Lori — June 1, 2010 @ 12:59 pm

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a year! I can't believe it. you are indestructible woman! love you

Comment by Emita — June 1, 2010 @ 2:07 pm

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Muffin, don't be hard on yourself! You are fabulous. And if it makes you feel any better, I've completely given up on working out all together. this means that you running a marathon is AMAZING in comparison!

Comment by Andrea Gonzalez — June 1, 2010 @ 2:40 pm

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Wow! I can't believe it has been a year. That said, I think the lessons you learned are wonderful and should be an inspiration to the rest of us.

Comment by ClareSays — June 1, 2010 @ 4:01 pm

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Kyle, as a fellow perfectionist, I know that self-criticism comes all too easily, but I think you deserve to cut yourself a break. I'm only sorry that it took an event as life-changing as your accident for you to be less demanding of yourself. You have shown us all that you have an incredible spirit and tenacity, and you're loved and admired at any weight, with or without hairy knees. Congrats to you and this blog for an amazing year!

Comment by Katie — June 1, 2010 @ 5:02 pm

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You rock with the 20-30,000 hits, wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm super proud of you darling and I appreciate YOU! I can't imagine the physical, let alone the psychological impact of your accident. I wish that I could give you some free acupuncture. I know it would help!!! The beautiful thing about tragedies is that you always come out of them a better person, which I have no doubt you've done.

Comment by GlobalButterfly — June 1, 2010 @ 6:35 pm

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Learning to stop beating yourself up for silly things is definitely a very important lesson to learn and something that I still really struggle with. And as for the marathon, donÂ´t think of it as quitting, just postponing. One day if you really want to run a marathon, you will do it, who cares when it happens. ItÂ´s important to listen to your body and if your knee is still bothering you, hardcore marathon training would probably only make it worse. Your health is more important than killing yourself over running a marathon. So I just say go at your own pace and one day youÂ´ll get there!

And congratulations for your very successful blog! Wow! IÂ´m impressed! YouÂ´ve definitely made it into the world of professional blogging! Way to go!

Comment by Lou — June 1, 2010 @ 7:28 pm

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Ese evento, aunque doloroso, es un ingrediente importante de la persona que eres hoy. Creo (leyendo tu blog) que has logrado muchas cosas importantes, y mÃ¡s difÃciles que controlar 5 libras de peso. Tienes aÃºn mucho tiempo por delante para correr esa maratÃ³n, por algo se hacen todos los aÃ±os.
Por ahora, creo que la carrera que Papi, Seba y tÃº han corrido juntos estos aÃ±os, es mucho mÃ¡s satisfactoria e importante. Sinceramente, te felicito (y envidio [sanamente]) por tu blog y trabajo; la vida es realmente muy corta, y el camino que has seguido y que en parte compartes a travÃ©s de tu blog, muestra que vas en la direcciÃ³n correcta, la que tÃº misma has elegido.
Â¡Feliz bloguiversario!

Comment by I_Marmo_I — June 1, 2010 @ 7:57 pm

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And I'm such a bad mom for not remembering the date of this anniversary. So glad you are alive and kickin' harder than ever!

Comment by Ritamae39 — June 2, 2010 @ 1:58 am

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You're not. You're the best mom ever.

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:45 am

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Me encanta que hayas incluido a Papi cuando hablas de la carrera de la vida. Es tonto, pero la amo como mi hija

Muchas, muchas gracias por tu apoyo. Me hicieron emocionar tus palabras.

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:46 am

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It took me getting hit by a car to be able to even think about stopping beating myself up all the time so don't feel bad that you might struggle with the same thing.
And I know you're right about the marathon/knee thing…I'm just impatient!

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:48 am

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Thank you so much! I hope that this accident has made me a better person, I wouldn't want it to be all for nothing!

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:48 am

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Thanks for accepting me hairy knees and all Katie, you're a sweetheart

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:49 am

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I know! As hard as the year was, it did fly by, I'll have to say that!

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:49 am

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Haha, but you are a wife/stepmom/student/dogmom/career woman baller. I don't think anyone is blaming you for giving up on the working out!

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:50 am

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Love you so much Emita!

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:50 am

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I can barely believe it either Lori. A year is so short in the grand scheme of things!

And while I may not always succeed, I'll definitely keep on trying not to worry about the small things and to focus on the bigger picture like you said!

Comment by kyleracine — June 2, 2010 @ 6:51 am

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Kyle, you are very inspiring. Larger than life. I love following your blog and really admire the way you are able to express yourself. You are wise and talented. Revel in it.

Comment by Claire — June 11, 2010 @ 3:32 pm

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Maybe a little bit talented. But most definitely not wise! that's why I hang out with smart people like you, who give me sound advice Can't wait to see you on Tuesday, I've missed you and the ladies!!!

Comment by kyleracine — June 13, 2010 @ 9:07 pm

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