Kyle Hepp

December 26, 2010

Photo credit: My brother. That’s Ava Boo inside her stocking. Everyone in my family has a similar stocking hand knitted by my great aunt. It’s one of my favorite ever traditions. My aunt knitted one for Seba too as soon as we got married, and I got so excited because that felt like a WAY more official joining of the family for him than signing a marriage license did.

I am not a very sentimental person. I’ve always been alright at adapting wherever I go. I try not to hold on to the past and appreciate where I am in the now. Christmas has never made me homesick like I know it has a lot of other gringas. I don’t blame them  for it one bit either  – it’s normal — but the holidays, specifically, do nothing for my softer side. Until now. Ava Boo has me in mourning over the fact that I’m missing her first Christmas.

It’s times like this when I actually resent the fact that I am not physically capable of being in two places at once. I want to be in Chile right now. I want to be here with my doggies. I want to be in one place not going anywhere for a while, enjoying living out of a closet rather than a suitcase. And I want to be with Ava Boo. In the U.S. Smelling her sweet head. Seeing her first holiday dress. Watching my little baby brother grow into a man and a father. And watching my family go gaga over a little one that can’t even talk and knows no tricks. She can’t sit, shake or speak on command. Unimpressive really

No matter where I am, I’ll always be missing someone somewhere. But this is the first time I’ve felt a strong pull in one direction over another. It pains me to know that I’m missing out on such an important part of Kelsey and Lauron’s life. I’m so glad we’ll be back to see Ava Boo in just three short months. I’m counting down the days already. I want to take ten thousand pictures of her because I feel like no other photographer could ever do her justice because no other photographer loves her as much as I do.

But there will always be a here and a there. A home and a home. Most days, I’m used to it. I’m actually adding to this post two days after I originally wrote it and the small wave of sadness has passed. Ava Boo will still be there when we go back. It’s just that now I understand when people say, “They grow up too fast.” She’ll be done being a newborn by the next time I see her and I missed it! I missed almost all of it except the first few days!

That’s the way it is, though. That’s part of being expat. That’s my life. I love it. I wouldn’t have it any other way but here and there.

I just wish that someone would invent some kind of teletransport. “There’s no place like Michigan, there’s no place like Michigan.” I’d click my purple heels together and BAM, helllooooo Ava Boo!