Fotografo de Bodas, Santiago

January 17, 2011

I’m getting loads of questions in my survey, which you can still take, by the way. It runs until tomorrow! This is your last chance to be entered to win a $50 gift card to Amazon and your last chance to let me know how I can make the blog better. Ok, not really, you could always send me an email. But I’d appreciate if you’d answer the survey

And this whole loads of questions thing happens every time I do a survey on my blog. Just so you know, you do not have to wait an entire year until next year’s survey to be able to ask me questions. If there’s something weighing on your mind, ask away via Twitter, Formspring (you can ask questions there anonymously if you care to do so) or drop me an email.

So anyway, today I wanted to touch on something that the lovely Roxanne asked me, via Twitter. I couldn’t answer back in only 140 characters so I thought it was worthy of a whole blog post. She said, “your photos = amazing. would be interested to read a post on how all the wedding-going informs your perspective on romance/love.”

Where do I even begin? I’ve been ruminating on the question for about two weeks now and I still don’t think I have an adequate answer.

At the time of writing this post I’ve been to 47 weddings (as a photographer, not counting the ones I’ve also been to as a guest) in the past not quite 3 years. That’s a whole lot of brides and grooms. That’s a whole lot of I Do’s or, Si, Acepto’s. We’re still in contact with the large majority of couples we’ve photographed and to my knowledge, none of them have gotten a divorce yet. I told that to someone once and his response was, “You haven’t been in the business long enough.” That may be true, but the fact that I’ve been to 47 weddings and witnessed the start of 47 marriages that have not yet been dissolved, definitely informs my perspective on romance and love in a positive way. Things would be different if I poured my heart and soul into loving these couples and documenting them loving each other only to watch half of them end up in divorce.

So as of right now, I can safely say that yes, going to weddings has given me a very happy perspective on love.

One thing that strikes me throughout every wedding is trying to figure out why each couple gets married. Yes, love is the underlying theme. But above and beyond love there is always something that pushes them to take the step of making it official in the government and/or church’s eyes. Sometimes that something is the simple necessity of trying to get a visa — why Seba and I got married very young. Sometimes that something is a family member dying — Seba’s cousin got married as fast as she could because her mom and her fiance’s husband’s mom had both been diagnosed with terminal cancer at the same time (they met at the hospital). Only one mom lived to see the wedding

And sometimes the reasons are simpler — family pressure, religious pressure not to live in sin, societal pressure, because society tells us that getting married is The Next Step after going to college. Sometimes a couple just decides that want that once in a lifetime chance to have all their friends and family together in place so they can have a big part. Sometimes the reasons are multiple.

I don’t know, think about it — if you are married what was the impetus to tie the knot when you did?

Surely you love your significant other, but there’s probably something else. You love him/her and things are great, so you want to get married — why now? Why is now the right time? What I’ve learned is that there’s almost always some kind of underlying reason. Sometimes that underlying reason is just that people feel the need to say make their commitment public because in that way it seems more…committed. Sometimes the reasons are that you know you want to have kids in five years, but you would like to be married and childless for five years before getting to that point. Sometimes people feel like they’re getting old so they should be married rather than dating. Like I said, there are a billion and one reasons for taking the leap.

That is how 47 weddings have informed my perspective on romance. Everybody loves their significant other, but there’s almost always more to it than that. And I find it really fascinating to see that dynamic of why in play.

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16 Comments

Great post Kyle.

Besides love, I chose to be with Kayley because she fascinates me. I want to witness her life and she is the person I want to witness mine.

She stands out in a crowd and it is a blessing to be on a journey with her.

Mushy mush.

Comment by Kai Heeringa — January 17, 2011 @ 9:50 pm

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You guys are so mushy Kai, you and Kayley are basically the exact opposite of Seba and I, and watching you two together fascinates ME.

But more than why you are with her, why did you choose that specific time to get married? Why not just keep dating?

Comment by kyle — January 18, 2011 @ 12:01 am

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Kyle,

The commitment level of marriage is something we both desired a few months into dating. The length of time from when we met to our wedding day was somewhat determined by finances. I didn’t propose until I could afford the ring I wanted to give her. The length of time we were engaged was due to the amount of time needed to book wedding vendors.

Once we knew that we could be financially stable together, it was just a waiting game at that point.

It sounds kind of silly thinking about how much money influenced the timeline in our relationship. I know the way we felt about each other was independent of that. I know I personally desired some financial stability for the beginning of our marriage. We would have done alright eating ramen noodles every day, but I didn’t want Kayley to have to.

Comment by Kai Heeringa — January 18, 2011 @ 3:34 am

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It was a dark rainy night, the wind was howling outside… no, not really. It was her birthday and I didn’t want to buy her a present. Well, it was her birthday (don’t worry, she did get another present) and it was the like the next step and I’d thought it would be nice to propose on her birthday to make the day even more special.
Why not continue dating? We were already living together, in separate rooms (you know, at the in-laws and how they can be in Chile), and it got hard sneaking to each other’s room in the middle of the night, especially in winter (damn those cold floors!). But really, marriage was just a part of the natural flow of us being together. We instinctively knew we would spend our lives together. No angels from heaven, no choral music as a sudden realization came to us saying it was the moment. No, it was something we already knew inside.

Comment by Rob W. — January 18, 2011 @ 4:42 am

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Kyle, let me begin by saying that I am thrilled 140 characters were not enough, because all the rest of the characters were beautiful. I love the accompanying image as well. I enjoyed your question of “why did you get married” and an extra treat of this post is being able to read the comments. As an unmarried fellow ex-pat who does live with her boyfriend, I feel like love, in my eyes, is that enabling factor. Enabling the person you love to be the person he or she wants to be. Love to me is involvement, in the day-to-day or the loftier thoughts. Thank you for making me think about this and for prompting others to share their reflections.

As always, you rock.

Comment by Roxanne — January 18, 2011 @ 6:57 am

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Wow Kyle, this is a great post, and I have to respond since I am a big sap when it comes to love-y dove-y stuff. I agree there is a lot more that goes into deciding to get married than just love. I think I knew Alex was going to be the one I married when he moved with me when I got my job in Minnesota. We had only been dating 6 months and moving meant moving in together. We had lived together for about a year and a half when he proposed, everyday was just like I was hanging out with my best friend, it never got old or felt like work to maintain our relationship. When he proposed I didn’t even see it coming, I thought it’d be a ways off before marriage. We had already talked about what we want in life, what is the most important, and what our goals are so our desires for the future were in line. When he asked me, I was SHOCKED and just stood there speechless, poor guy was left sitting on one knee until I could breathe again, but in that short time I remember thoughts zooming through my head like… I already feel like I am part of his family, my family loves him, I can’t imagine my life without this person, I’ve never been happier in my life until he was part of it, and most importantly all of the good things in life didn’t happen until we got together, which is weird, but all of our dreams and things we wanted in life began when we found each other, so why not just get married and get it over with now? So, I thought getting married would mean our hopes and dreams could keep growing as we became husband and wife (awwwww). To this day just gets better and better. So there’s my reason for gettin’ hitched I feel all warm and fuzzy now

Comment by Carla — January 18, 2011 @ 12:23 pm

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Kai, yeah, that’s what I mean, I think love is usually independent of the reasons of getting married, but the impetus to actually put the ring on a girl’s finger and walk down the aisle is almost always influenced by something else. I think that (fortunately) all of our couples have had love as a base of their relationships but in some instances, they’ve waited 15 years to get married, or they’ve gotten married after 2 months of dating. I feel like the timeline is almost always spurred on by something else, you know what I mean? And you’re cute for saving Kayley from a horrendous future of eating ramen every day. She would’ve turned into a walking MSG bomb

Rob, did you really have to sleep in separate rooms at your in-laws? I’m shocked by that! My MIL handed us condoms the first time I spent the night here. I’m not saying we slept together, but I am saying she wasn’t born yesterday

Roxanne, I’m so glad you liked this post inspired by you! It was a good question and I’m serious when I say that I thought for two weeks about how to answer it!

Carla, awww, I absolutely love reading about how happy you are with Alex. From the little I see of you two and your relationship on the blog and facebook, it shows. I can see that pre-high school years have been so good to you. Your reasons to marry Alex are very similar to mine and Seba’s reasons. We also felt like a lot of the reasons that people hold off on marriage (I want to travel, I need to start a career) were things we could do together and sooner rather than later was also a lot easier for the visa. I think of now how we’ve been married for almost four years and if things would’ve been different it we were just now about to tie the knot — nope, nothing would be different except that Seba wouldn’t be able to enter the U.S. in the residents line with me when we travel. And I probably would’ve hired a better photographer if we were getting married now

Comment by Kyle — January 18, 2011 @ 1:33 pm

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Grrr, I don’t know why my paragraphs don’t separate in the comments.

Comment by Kyle — January 18, 2011 @ 1:33 pm

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I think the best way to answer why we got married is to start with my answer to “so, does married life feel different?” I always say that no, it doesn’t really – we already lived together and planned our lives as a unit, BUT there is a feeling of family that wasn’t there before. We might have loved each other and shared finances and imagined being together forever, but I now feel like Rodolfo is my family rather than just my boyfriend. Of course you can say that feeling is a made-up societal construct, but I live in society and usually abide by its rules, so there you go. So the answer to the original question is that we decided to get married because after 4 years together – about 3.9 of them sure that we wanted to be together forever – we were ready to become a family. I will be totally honest and say that I also wanted Rodolfo to be able to afford an engagement ring before we got engaged, not because I am a materialistic pig (I hope) but because to me that symbolized being in a place financially where we were ready to make this kind of commitment.

Comment by Emily — January 18, 2011 @ 1:48 pm

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I love your honesty Emily. I think very few people would even admit that part of their feeling is a made up societal construct, which is most likely true, but at the same time, I think a lot of people feel the same. I still feel special when Seba introduces me as his wife. I have no idea why. It just makes me feel cool, and loved. Even though yes, again, made-up societal construct.

Comment by Kyle — January 18, 2011 @ 1:55 pm

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Great post Kyle. I knew I was finally ready to get married a few months after Alix and I had been dating. It was long enough for me to realize that she was both my best friend and completely accepting of who I was as a person, flaws and all. I also realized I loved her for who she was as a person, flaws and all. I realized I’d never want to go another day without her so I popped the question and she said yes.

Comment by Joshua Gull — January 18, 2011 @ 2:51 pm

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Joshua, you and Alix totally just jumped right in there! Sometimes headfirst is the best way to go Seba and I moved in together after we’d been dating for about a half a second.

Comment by Kyle — January 18, 2011 @ 2:57 pm

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The MIL knew, the father was just a traditional “wait-until-you-are-married” type.

Comment by Rob W. — January 18, 2011 @ 4:27 pm

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’cause I have OCD and things HAVE to be in order or the world explodes….and in my head, matrimony, in some dysfunctional way, means order.

… nah… just kidding. I think Andre and I just realized that we wanted to become a “Mr&Mrs” (I’ve intentionally deleted the spaces in between, to make my point even more clear). Simple as that. We wanted to become a single unit. No HIM and ME, nor SHE and I, no copain et copine (bf and gf)… just a big fat simple US. Two letters, one word, on unit.

I know “US” isn’t exclusive of a Mr & Mrs status, but for US that’s exactly what it meant.

So much so that the first thing we did after we got married was change all our subscriptions, bills and correspondence stamps to Mr and Mrs. Life just felt so much better knowing that from now on we’d face whatever came our way as a two-member, exclusive, 50/50 team. All these years later and I still get irked when I see a letter addressed to just one of us.

And why on that particular day? YOU try organizing a double bi-cultural wedding with immediate family coming from Mexico, France, the US and Romania and then finding a date that avoids falling on the no-no holidays of Passover, Easter, Orthodox Easter and sacred don’t-you-dare-touch-my-French-four-day-long-weekends… I’m all for symbolism of the dates, but on this occasion, May 7th was the only available Saturday that winter, spring and summer!! :s

Fned.

Comment by Fned — January 18, 2011 @ 5:11 pm

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I’m not married (yet) but I am engaged. I know that Diego and I will spend the rest of our lives together but I also know that we wont get married for another couple of years. Everyone is always asking if the date is set, and my answer is always, not yet – we have other things we want to do first. And then they say, but why dont you just do a quicky, registry marriage? The reason is, I know that getting married is much more than just the “day of” but I dont believe there’s a couple out there who cant say they loved having their families and friends together for the sole purpose of celebrating them, their love and their commitment to each other. So no, I dont just want a “quicky” wedding – I want to do it properly (and no, Im not talking about a $50,000 wedding, in fact, a simple BBQ by the pool would suit me).
Apart from that, Diego and I plan to travel and live in different countries and I think its important to us as a couple to do this, to learn to survive with just each other, arrive in a place with no relatives or friends, and learn to build our own lives. It may not be everyones way of living, but its one of the things that we value.

Comment by Tanya — January 19, 2011 @ 5:55 am

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What a wonderful post. It touches on something that’s always interested me about your blog — namely, the intense optimism you express about so many couples. I mean, on the one hand, you probably wouldn’t get too many new bookings if you wrote things like, “From the moment we met her, it was clear Alice was marrying Freddy for his money” and “Alice is an unbearable harpy, but Freddy decided to carry on with her in order to continue hiding his nascent preference for men from his family and avoid getting disowned by his wealthy, arch-conservative, very frightening grandmother.”

But, I’ve met you, and you’re an extremely honest soul, and so I’ve never suspected that the way you write on the blog is anything other than sincere. And as far as the “you haven’t been in the business long enough” line goes — maybe that’s true, but you’re certainly not naive.

I love your lack of cynicism, and I love reading about the reasons for it. A long time ago, when the blog was in a different place/different form, you said something along the lines of, “I truly believe Seba and I will be together forever, but I can’t guarantee we won’t get divorced.” And at the time I didn’t understand how those two things could coexist. But reading what you write for so long has helped me believe that the possibility of divorce may be real, but that doesn’t mean it’s relevant… just because a marriage ends doesn’t mean the love wasn’t/isn’t real. The why marriage, why now question is so complex and so specific to every couple, and the circumstances that may lead to a marriage’s end are probably even more complex and specific. We can’t know all the reasons, we can’t know the future, and so all we can do is have faith and love the moment.

Comment by Carrie — January 19, 2011 @ 11:01 am

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