Love & Separation

Seba and I are getting a divorce.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to announce it publicly. It’s an odd thing, having this blog, having my livelihood built upon this blog, which is so personal. For a long time I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to air our dirty laundry. I didn’t want to scare my clients. I don’t want people to pity us.

Like the entire divorce process has been so far, the sharing process too has been an emotional roller coaster. I felt a little backed into a corner, that I had to share this on my blog because I’ve received so many emails flat out asking me what’s going on.

Please know this. I am fine. Seba is fine. We love each other. The split is amicable. Difficult, yes, but we’re both getting through it. We want to remain friends. Right now the wounds may not be healed enough for us to be there yet, but I hope eventually we’ll be close again.

And please know this — because these are all the only details I’m willing to share does not mean that the only issue was that we grew apart or fell out of love or simply didn’t want to make it work anymore. Marriage was never something that either of us took lightly. Marriage is work. We were together for 8 years, married for more than 5. And we did work at it, hard. There was no drama, no cheating, only some serious and deep rooted issues that, at the end of the day, got the best of both of us.

I know Facebook makes it look like I’m little miss happy-go-lucky or, alternatively, a raging alcoholic right now. I may be a bit of both of those things at the moment but also remember, Facebook is a sliver of someone’s life. Obviously I’m not going to post a picture after I’ve been sobbing and update my status with, “Hey guys! Anyone know how to get mascara stains out of pillowcases? Can’t stop crying, LOL!” Or how about Twitter updates like, “Crying in the park. #gettingadivorce,” then “Crying in the grocery store. #gettingadivorce,” then “Crying at Starbucks. #gettingadivorce But I have to say, this frappucino is delish!” Nobody wants to hear that shit. I’ll stick to posting pictures of myself drinking champagne in various continents, thankyouverymuch.

People seem very curious about my future. Really, I just want the hard questions to stop!

As to whether I’ll leave Chile or not, for the time being I’m good here. I’ll shoot every wedding I have booked here. I’ll keep taking bookings here until I decide to go somewhere else. If I do eventually move somewhere else, I’ll stay to shoot everything I have on the books. I’m free as a bird, the world is my oyster, blah blah blah, every other cliche in the book. But for real, I’m going to see where the wind blows me.

And as for whether I’m ready to start dating again…no…yes…kind of…not really? For the time being I’m happy being single. Of course I get lonely. But I need some time to be independent and learn how to be a grown up on my own. I would love to be romanced and swept off my feet…by a man who asks nothing in return from me. But since that’ll happen around the time that pigs learn how to fly, for now I’m good by myself.

At this moment I’m asking for some empathy from you. I always try to be generous with my time, to meet up with people who read my blog, to answer questions from other photographers, etc. But right now, I can’t. I have nothing to give anyone. Nothing. I’m drained empty.

All my energies are taken up by getting myself through the day to day and keeping things running in my professional life business as usual. So no, I’m sorry, but right now, I can’t meet you for you coffee, I can’t critique your blog post, I can’t tell you where you should live in Santiago, I can’t help you with your Lightroom settings…please don’t ask me for anything, I can’t help, I don’t have it in me.

My heart breaks me over and over and over again. I wake up and I roll over and go right back to sleep again because the pain is so strong I can’t bear to stay awake. I cry on a daily basis. I wonder how I can ever get through this. I think about Seba and I wonder how he’s doing and I keep crying. Then I get mad. The emotional roller coaster continues.

But I’m being totally melodramatic right now. Divorce really isn’t the hardest thing that a human being could have to suffer. I’m getting through this.

Photography is such a singular focus for me at the moment. I fall apart…and then I put myself back together and I get shit done. My business keeps me keeping on. I feel hopeful taking pictures of all these beautiful couples that are so in love. They inspire me. The past six months of weddings that you’ve seen on this blog have been almost all either on my own or with a different second shooter, and I think I’m doing better work than ever. If there’s one thing I can be proud of myself for, it’s that. I’ve worked so hard to make sure that my clients are taken care of just as well as they were before and that the photos I deliver are even more than what they expect of me.

So that’s that. I’m getting a divorce. I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. It is what it is, I am what I am, and we are not an us anymore.

I feel a sense of peace. I know we did the right thing. I know this is best for both of us. I know one day we’ll both be whole again. Separate, but whole.

Thanks for your support.